Monday, September 02, 2013

surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life...

from the Van Gogh's hospital at St Remy
hello 1st September. Where did the time go? It almost feels like the year is coming to an end, and I have no idea where it went... At the same time, I am feeling completely exhausted, the type of exhaustion that makes me sleep and sleep and sleep. After the flurry of activities in Summer ( it actually makes sense now that I live here, not just a cool term to use), I crashed this week. Note to self... I am too old for this intense activity followed by no activity.

I spent the week pretty much crying, bawling, finding energy to do the most basic of activities. Reasons for tears include feeling trapped by fear of what the future holds, worrying about Jesus being born in the Roman empire (?!?), wondering about what I am doing with my life, basically being scared, and paralysed.. Not a good place to say the least. But yet this wave of tears had to come and go, it was a place to battle my tiredness... I tried hard to battle it with eating lots of home cooked food, exercising, listening to sermons etc... The darling tried his best to be patient and kind too I must say... (as far as his patience runs...)

Anyway, suffice to say it was a hard week. Also an extremely unproductive week. Not sure what I really did besides potter around. Tried the whole week to write my proposal for some money to continue studying and was constantly faced with doubts. The week learning Acts was difficult. Learning the bible from the lens of an academic (sorta) does strange things to me... It makes me doubt the infallibility of the Bible, the relevance of this to yellow people like me (who did not belong to the roman empire)... I love the fact that I am exposed to a more holistic understanding of the Christian faith, but at the same time, I am challenged... to believe and have faith that Jesus is for me, even when he is born in a place and time so far away from me... O the wonder of His love.

In my desperation this week, I remembered good old Manning (he wrote Raggamuffin gospel) and went to Amazon to find a book I could buy. (This is the reason why I have a kindle, to buy an English book where I need one,... instead of waiting forever from the UK or US).. I like Manning. I feel like he gets it. He understands that I don't deliberately be depressed. He is a man of God who i see struggle with the same issues with me.

Anyway, something that struck me... halfway through the book....

(on trying to trust)... Like faith and hope, trust cannot be self generated. Why reproach myself for my lack of trust? ... What does lie within my power is paying attention to the faithfulness of Jesus. That's what I am asked to do: Pay attention to Jesus throughout my journey, remembering his kindnesses (Ps. 103:2).

Praying to Remember. To remember God's goodness in my life thus far, and to continue to remember that it will follow me. 

Love to all.