Friday, October 26, 2012

women i meet...

I think that I look around subconsciously for women role models. People I want to become more like when I am old.., this includes women in the bible. What does it mean to be a woman that pleases God in what they do?

One of my defaults from 1 Peter 3...

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 Taking away the husband/wife element (still processing) ... 2 of the key thoughts that I have always thought about includes

- Beauty
I think that I was brought up to not be vain. Sometimes I think I am too can't be bothered and I get it from the husband for wearing mis-matched clothes, or looking blah. As such,  I find myself feeling more obliged to dress better in this part of the world, maybe for the sake of the husband, or to not be the weird foreigner etc... But i guess, with this emphasis on external beauty, there is also the feeling that one cannot match up, or that one is not good enough.. I have no interest to sit and do my hair/nails/face for extended period of times. Also, with this not being a priority, I do not want to spend my money on this. At the same time, I am no longer 21 and feel "invincible". I feel tired/bloated, puffy eyed more often and thus "uglier"... It doesn't help to have a german darling who tells it as it is... few days ago, I got a little sad that during his younger days, he said how he would never go out with a black hair girl since being blonde was part of his criteria (happy that the darling is a lot less superficial too :P )

But i think that this feeling of insecurity is why women spend so much of their lives looking beautiful. Lately, I have been having a lot more exposure to queen bee (the mother of my darling's daughter), whom I must say, has quite a different philosophy to beauty as me. I am amazed at how she looks immaculate at different events and yet at the same time, I try to not let it affect me. She has also taken it upon herself to chat me up at different events and I try hard to be patient and kind, and chatty. At the end of each session, I find myself in a space of doubt and thoughts... " Do I look ok? Should I try to be even more intentional in looking pretty? She can look perfect outside, but why is she so mean inside? I cannot deal with her peppering her dialogue with "yea, I only buy shoes from Italy"..."

A part of me thinks I need to learn to love this woman. She is so painfully insecure that she needs assurance from me... Another part of me knows that this woman causes tension between my darling and I. I look at her and try not to blame her for the baggage that I think she has caused. Weird dynamics. I wonder what would Jesus do and pray that I will not become somebody mean just because I have to deal with her regularly. I wonder what it means to witness to God's love and goodness in this situation. What does it mean to be relevant? This thing about beauty... Not easy. Women need to be halfway pretty, but not to be overwhelmed by it.

- Doing what is right and not giving way to fear

Yesterday I met a girl that my ex colleague wanted me to kind of check in on. She is from Afghanistan and used to work with WV. Because she wanted to work, study, not marry whoever who wants her hand, she got herself entangled with the Talibans who wanted her life and so she gave her entire life savings and found herself in Germany in asylum. She brought her nephew with her as it was her brother, the child's father who brought her up, and I guess this is a way of "paying" her brother back ...

My little brain cant even wrap around these thoughts. I think that it is an extreme example of not bending to social pressures and paying the consequences for it. I am not going to argue if it is right or wrong categorically but I think that for her, she did what she felt was right for her and continues to move on despite the weird circumstance she found herself in because of her actions. It is so easy to be scared and to be fearful, but she is doing the best with what she can and not giving in to fear.

I want to learn again to have this fearless spirit. I have felt that love was the right thing to do for me, but now, i sometimes waver. It is too hard and it sometimes feel a little absurb, ridiculous and just "asking for it". But I need to continue to learn to move on and to not doubt. To not give way to fear - what happens if I "ruined" my life, what happens if I can never find a job again etc... I need to continue to do what is right - by God's grace, have faith and not give in to fear.

I am thankful for the circumstances that I am in and need to learn to continue to be thankful. No, don't need pills yet. need to not yield to fear, to the unforseen circumstances. To count my blessings one by one!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

reflections to a proper perspective - Oswald Chambers

The proper perspective of a servant of God must not simply be as near to the highest as he can get, but it must be the highest. Be careful that you vigorously maintain God’s perspective, and remember that it must be done every day, little by little. Don’t think on a finite level. No outside power can touch the proper perspective.
The proper perspective to maintain is that we are here for only one purpose— to be captives marching in the procession of Christ’s triumphs. We are not on display in God’s showcase— we are here to exhibit only one thing— the “captivity [of our lives] to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). How small all the other perspectives are! For example, the ones that say, “I am standing all alone, battling for Jesus,” or, “I have to maintain the cause of Christ and hold down this fort for Him.” But Paul said, in essence, “I am in the procession of a conqueror, and it doesn’t matter what the difficulties are, for I am always led in triumph.” Is this idea being worked out practically in us? Paul’s secret joy was that God took him as a blatant rebel against Jesus Christ, and made him a captive— and that became his purpose. It was Paul’s joy to be a captive of the Lord, and he had no other interest in heaven or on earth. It is a shameful thing for a Christian to talk about getting the victory. We should belong so completely to the Victor that it is always His victory, and “we are more than conquerors through Him . . .” (Romans 8:37).
“We are to God the fragrance of Christ . . .” (2 Corinthians 2:15). We are encompassed with the sweet aroma of Jesus, and wherever we go we are a wonderful refreshment to God.

Dear Lord, please remind me daily that my will is surrendered to you, and that you will show me your way, because it is yours. I like the idea of being in the procession of Christ, my conqueror. I do not need to worry about the results of what I seek to do, instead I need to worry about being obedient, about giving glory to God. 
In Heidelberg this week. Very grateful for the love of his sister and family. It is good to spend some time here. To learn and to meet people. 

Human emotions are the hardest. Everybody is hurting and going through life. Some days, I wonder if there is a limit to this thing called love. its tiring and often one feels wrong-ed. Need to remember my example in God, of what he thought love to be. Need to not be caustic, because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Need to be deeply rooted in the knowledge of his love, because that is the source of one's life. 

Onward Christian soldier, marching as to war... 

Saturday, October 06, 2012


Somedays faith is all one's has for a reason.
A reason to continue walking forward and remember that the Lord of universe, has a stake in this.
I need to believe. To fight and not give up.
To remember that God is a good God. and that he doesn't give us more than we can bear.
I am turning my eyes on Jesus.... 

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Mid autumn outing...

Family here... Jesus loves e children o the world....

Need to eat mooncakes for life to b perfect!