Saturday, December 22, 2012

thoughts on a sacred covenant...


What I’ve come to learn is that staying married is an even greater act of faith than getting married in the first place.  We celebrate marriage, as we should.  But anniversaries — the extraordinary accomplishment of remaining married and continuing to fulfill our vows to one another — is even more worthy of admiration.  There’s a sense in which getting married requires us to have faith in each other.  Staying married requires us to have faith in God, faith that God is capable of healing the deepest wounds, faith that God can overcome the problems that seem impossible.
Getting married is light and joy, the celebration of something new.  Staying married is courage and commitment, faith and an ironclad commitment to remain with one another through thick and thin.  So we marry because love binds us and makes us.  We are created in God’s image — and God is love.  Therefore we are made in the image of Love.  But in the knowledge that we will always be faithful to one another, then we have the safety to be ourselves.  When love is conditional, then we behave in the ways we do in order to achieve or retain that love.  But when love is unconditional, then we are safe.  Then we have a haven.  Then we have someone before whom we can be honest — brutally, completely, painfully honest.  Without that honesty we may never be truly and fully loved, because the person who is being loved is not who we are but the person we pretend to be.  We stay married so that we can be free and so that we can be known.
(excerpts from following link: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/philosophicalfragments/2012/09/09/why-we-marry-and-why-we-stay-married/)
Its Christmas! Yay. Thank you Jesus for being you! 

Friday, December 07, 2012

count your blessings name them one by one.

Some highlights of the past few days!

1) Had a meaningful time at the squatter yesterday. We brought Christmas cheer, food and just hung out with people who live in squatters here. I am very happy to be part of this group that goes regularly to spend time with the children, doing puzzles, coloring and just spending time together. It is a privilege to be part of their life and to share in simple moments.

2) Enjoyed moments volunteering in a theological library. I thought of volunteering there for some structure and it is a good way to get to read books about God. It feels nice and cosy to be in the company of God's people. people are nice. I am not used to it anymore. Thank you God.

3) Being a wife. Sue says it is a calling... I think it is harder than real work!!! Some days it is tough tough tough. Other days, it is the epitome of grace, forgiveness and redemption... overall a roller coaster. I have been thinking about how charity begins at home, and how I need to do much better at loving the husband.. (even when i am not in the mood too :P )

4) While being a wife, I also think it is important to have "my own life" and not expect the husband to be my life. Common sense but so hard when I am largely dependent on him. I think that our time away is useful for our sanity, my especially. Oh, I drove to Ikea, more than 15km in crazy Belgium traffic. Ridiculous how scared I was, but I made it. Need to stop being scared... to do more things alone instead of expecting him to fight my battles.

5) All that being said, I need your prayers please. Still crying way too much. Not very healthy. Few nights ago I sobbed (like crazy ugly cry) because he asked me to clear the sofa. I felt completely rejected as a human and unloved. Yes, I agree its an over reaction on my part. I need to stop crying and start being happy! To remember that life is a gift, and one day I have to give God an account of my life, I don't think he will be pleased to hear I spent all my time crying!!!

It's Christmas!!! Time to stop crying and to start resting in God....

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Friday, November 30, 2012

wwjd...


What Would Jesus do? I wonder. 
I have not considered myself "evangelical", never thought I was one... But I guess I am. I believe that God is the answer, though I do not believe that one should force the gospel on the other. I think that the key is in communication and having the gospel be relevant to one's question, instead of the gospel or christianity representing money, the status symbol, "betraying one's culture" etc. I guess the unquestioning position I have on God makes me an evangelical, or even closed minded...Quite unlike the masses of Christians here. 

  People leave churches here because of the creation story, have long discussions on whether the world really flooded during Noah's ark. I do not even think to doubt such things.. Or other things like Jesus, being God incarnate on earth, and how that is not something that can be said because it cannot be proven or something like that...  

Gah. Basically feeling like an alien.  What we believe make us who we are, and even when we have the same label of being "Christian", this is not enough. what makes us different is found in the details and how we translate that in life. 

Wondering what to do next. WWJD (Brings back wonderful memories of mg) What do I do now. Do I 
1)continue with my current professor who thinks i m cherry picking who I want to quote in my paper, and do not have what it takes, ie to continue with him, I need to change his opinion of me, discuss theologians of different arguments and fight against the tide basically. (but a part of me feels like God has given him to me and so I should stick it through and try to do this..despite the best advice of the German husband and a german friend)

2) Explore a new school but continue with the theological spin, perhaps this time looking for a more evangelical institute, such that I do not need to fight against the tide. Question is, can I do it? I don't know... I get to start on a new note, new impressions, and perhaps less commuting and more attention. 

3) Decide that theology and Peirong are like water and oil.  They can't mix and go look for a different faculty, like international relations or something. I don't know. Argue the Christian answer as one of the many options out there. This will limit the amount of theological arguments I need to discuss. My evangelical persuasion is just one of the persuasions out there. Something I do not need to defend but rather describe how effective/ineffective it is in the work of International Organizations. 

Option 1 is the cheapest and Option 3 is the most expensive. I guess I need to find a job too... (it's also funny how people think that maybe I should just have a baby)... I guess I am also wondering if this is really something I want to do. Or is this something God wants me to do. Or is this not something I am gifted with. Or is this something that I am forcing outside of God's plan. 

Moments like these, I want to be a old person telling my story, living the story is a lot harder... Intense. 

Currently thinking about faith. How Jesus healed people because of their faith... I need faith that God will be pleased with. To believe in Him working in my life despite my many moments of despondence.

Peace and faithfulness I ask for right now... 

ps: I miss people in my sunny island :(

Sunday, November 18, 2012

without faith, it is impossible to please God

Today was my first time helping out with the Missionaries of Charities. It was a blessed opportunity. The husband came along and together, we helped out with feeding the homeless. Giving and receiving is sometimes blurred. Sure I might have given of my time, but yet, the feeling of being useful, of being something bigger than myself is also good for the soul. I am also thinking that the choice of charity has been planned through divine intervention.  We were participants of a wider event, where we could choose projects to help out in. Before the event, I told the husband that he would be playing football with the homeless people and that sounded like a good idea to him. However, when we arrived, we were told that there were enough people doing that so we were asked if we were ok going to the charity instead. I felt a little bad that the husband could not play football but he was sweet enough to go with the change of plans...

The missionaries of charities have a special place in my heart. Before we married, I always joked that its either marriage or moving to Calcutta and helping with the poor through following Mother Theresa's example. Today, I got to visit a centre that is run by her order. Funny how ironic it is. Someone commented that I can now do both, be married and yet do the work that she has started... :) On another level, perhaps, this was a way of God affirming my life here in Europe, despite the doubts that I have had recently... There are people in this part of the world to love, and while they might be strange, they belong to God and I can also help with loving them here... 

The past week has been rough. My professor doesn't like my work to say the least. He thinks that I do not have the theological system to analyze my work and that I should consider my options, while I agree with him that I do not get theology, there seems to be no way to get it in the German education system...... I am done feeling too devastated, upset at how exclusive theology feels like, thinking that I will never adapt to this euro-centric world, like I have wasted my time.... instead, I have been actively, intentionally reminding myself to have faith.  fighting my thoughts with prayer, words from the B-I-B-L-E, talking to people I love and trust...

Some edifying thoughts as I continue through this season...

I am God's beloved child and I am not going to continue to allow myself to feel like a yellow person :) Many a times, the rejection I feel stems from myself and I project that in my unfamiliar environment. Sure it's harsh, but I need to have faith, that ultimately, I have a place in this world too, because this world belongs to God (husband adds: You eat cheese, you are not super yellow....) 

I think that along the way in the past years, the bashing up and harsh realities have sometimes made me forget that I want my life to reflect God tangibly. I get hung up in strange bureaucracy, worries about money, or about not speaking the language and maybe never getting a job.. but really, that was and should never be the point. My main friend here in Brussels (apart from the husband) is an American lady who is here because she has a heart for the European youth. A close Korean friend of mine in Germany has a heart to witness to her classmates in her school and goes on weekend trips to evangelize... Yes, while growing older may be harder with all the concerns of this world, I am reminded that God uses all my experiences for his glory and it is my desire to please God. 

My parents are not really frazzled about my need to consider my options. They think I am healthy and something will work out eventually. I am thankful for them. I know that not all parents will be this cool. I am thankful that God has shown me examples of faith, fearlessness in the example of my parents. 

Today, before we served food to the homeless, a seminary student shared a passage from the bible and we said the Lord's prayer together with other catholic prayers. This was all done in French and I understood maybe 2% of it. However, the short passage on what I think was bout the first Christmas as well as the Lord's prayer reminded me of hope. Yes, Jesus is the hope of the world. He is their hope and also mine. And yes, the Lord's prayer, while in a different language, is something I know and cling on to. It is as much their prayer as it is mine. I can pray it in my language and God hears me.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverancethe race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Hebrew 12:1-3)

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom

Have been thinking about this verse, and am appreciating its applicability to the different people the husband and I are.

Yes, we may have many differences but the main similarity has been our individual desire to please God and follow his ways. There is value and wisdom in this. I am thankful for the wealth of material in the B-i-b-l-e that helps us both reach a middle ground of what we will do.

To have regard in God's ways in all that we do, so help me God... 

Friday, November 02, 2012

Thankful!

Happy that the blues are finally leaving me. YAY. I am SO much more productive and no longer have at the back of my mind feelings of uselessness. 

God is good. I am thankful. Just to record today's feelings of peace in God and knowing that he is my savior! :)


Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:4-5

Friday, October 26, 2012

women i meet...

I think that I look around subconsciously for women role models. People I want to become more like when I am old.., this includes women in the bible. What does it mean to be a woman that pleases God in what they do?

One of my defaults from 1 Peter 3...

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 Taking away the husband/wife element (still processing) ... 2 of the key thoughts that I have always thought about includes

- Beauty
I think that I was brought up to not be vain. Sometimes I think I am too can't be bothered and I get it from the husband for wearing mis-matched clothes, or looking blah. As such,  I find myself feeling more obliged to dress better in this part of the world, maybe for the sake of the husband, or to not be the weird foreigner etc... But i guess, with this emphasis on external beauty, there is also the feeling that one cannot match up, or that one is not good enough.. I have no interest to sit and do my hair/nails/face for extended period of times. Also, with this not being a priority, I do not want to spend my money on this. At the same time, I am no longer 21 and feel "invincible". I feel tired/bloated, puffy eyed more often and thus "uglier"... It doesn't help to have a german darling who tells it as it is... few days ago, I got a little sad that during his younger days, he said how he would never go out with a black hair girl since being blonde was part of his criteria (happy that the darling is a lot less superficial too :P )

But i think that this feeling of insecurity is why women spend so much of their lives looking beautiful. Lately, I have been having a lot more exposure to queen bee (the mother of my darling's daughter), whom I must say, has quite a different philosophy to beauty as me. I am amazed at how she looks immaculate at different events and yet at the same time, I try to not let it affect me. She has also taken it upon herself to chat me up at different events and I try hard to be patient and kind, and chatty. At the end of each session, I find myself in a space of doubt and thoughts... " Do I look ok? Should I try to be even more intentional in looking pretty? She can look perfect outside, but why is she so mean inside? I cannot deal with her peppering her dialogue with "yea, I only buy shoes from Italy"..."

A part of me thinks I need to learn to love this woman. She is so painfully insecure that she needs assurance from me... Another part of me knows that this woman causes tension between my darling and I. I look at her and try not to blame her for the baggage that I think she has caused. Weird dynamics. I wonder what would Jesus do and pray that I will not become somebody mean just because I have to deal with her regularly. I wonder what it means to witness to God's love and goodness in this situation. What does it mean to be relevant? This thing about beauty... Not easy. Women need to be halfway pretty, but not to be overwhelmed by it.

- Doing what is right and not giving way to fear

Yesterday I met a girl that my ex colleague wanted me to kind of check in on. She is from Afghanistan and used to work with WV. Because she wanted to work, study, not marry whoever who wants her hand, she got herself entangled with the Talibans who wanted her life and so she gave her entire life savings and found herself in Germany in asylum. She brought her nephew with her as it was her brother, the child's father who brought her up, and I guess this is a way of "paying" her brother back ...

My little brain cant even wrap around these thoughts. I think that it is an extreme example of not bending to social pressures and paying the consequences for it. I am not going to argue if it is right or wrong categorically but I think that for her, she did what she felt was right for her and continues to move on despite the weird circumstance she found herself in because of her actions. It is so easy to be scared and to be fearful, but she is doing the best with what she can and not giving in to fear.

I want to learn again to have this fearless spirit. I have felt that love was the right thing to do for me, but now, i sometimes waver. It is too hard and it sometimes feel a little absurb, ridiculous and just "asking for it". But I need to continue to learn to move on and to not doubt. To not give way to fear - what happens if I "ruined" my life, what happens if I can never find a job again etc... I need to continue to do what is right - by God's grace, have faith and not give in to fear.

I am thankful for the circumstances that I am in and need to learn to continue to be thankful. No, don't need pills yet. need to not yield to fear, to the unforseen circumstances. To count my blessings one by one!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

reflections to a proper perspective - Oswald Chambers


The proper perspective of a servant of God must not simply be as near to the highest as he can get, but it must be the highest. Be careful that you vigorously maintain God’s perspective, and remember that it must be done every day, little by little. Don’t think on a finite level. No outside power can touch the proper perspective.
The proper perspective to maintain is that we are here for only one purpose— to be captives marching in the procession of Christ’s triumphs. We are not on display in God’s showcase— we are here to exhibit only one thing— the “captivity [of our lives] to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). How small all the other perspectives are! For example, the ones that say, “I am standing all alone, battling for Jesus,” or, “I have to maintain the cause of Christ and hold down this fort for Him.” But Paul said, in essence, “I am in the procession of a conqueror, and it doesn’t matter what the difficulties are, for I am always led in triumph.” Is this idea being worked out practically in us? Paul’s secret joy was that God took him as a blatant rebel against Jesus Christ, and made him a captive— and that became his purpose. It was Paul’s joy to be a captive of the Lord, and he had no other interest in heaven or on earth. It is a shameful thing for a Christian to talk about getting the victory. We should belong so completely to the Victor that it is always His victory, and “we are more than conquerors through Him . . .” (Romans 8:37).
“We are to God the fragrance of Christ . . .” (2 Corinthians 2:15). We are encompassed with the sweet aroma of Jesus, and wherever we go we are a wonderful refreshment to God.

*******
Dear Lord, please remind me daily that my will is surrendered to you, and that you will show me your way, because it is yours. I like the idea of being in the procession of Christ, my conqueror. I do not need to worry about the results of what I seek to do, instead I need to worry about being obedient, about giving glory to God. 
In Heidelberg this week. Very grateful for the love of his sister and family. It is good to spend some time here. To learn and to meet people. 

Human emotions are the hardest. Everybody is hurting and going through life. Some days, I wonder if there is a limit to this thing called love. its tiring and often one feels wrong-ed. Need to remember my example in God, of what he thought love to be. Need to not be caustic, because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Need to be deeply rooted in the knowledge of his love, because that is the source of one's life. 

Onward Christian soldier, marching as to war... 

Saturday, October 06, 2012

faith

Somedays faith is all one's has for a reason.
A reason to continue walking forward and remember that the Lord of universe, has a stake in this.
I need to believe. To fight and not give up.
To remember that God is a good God. and that he doesn't give us more than we can bear.
I am turning my eyes on Jesus.... 

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Mid autumn outing...

Family here... Jesus loves e children o the world....




Need to eat mooncakes for life to b perfect!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

because we serve a relevant God.

My God is relevant.
for the homeless i see around
for the permanent drunk who speaks to himself
for the roma people who come here and believe a better life involves living in squatters
for the lonely who may not speak french, or make sense of european bureaucracy

My God is relevant.
even when churches may not be
when people find more fulfillment in the material, than in the Lord of lords
when the christian worldview is seen as the enemy, of holding one back, or of insult to the middle east.

My God is relevant.
because he makes this world.
He knows the problems.
Nothing is too difficult for him.

My God is relevant
because this world is his.
even when this world fades away,
his Kingdom will not.

My God is relevant.
I pray to be relevant for his use
where ever I am
to belong to Him in a way that no one can mistake.

(Inspired thoughts from Paul Tilich - the relevance of the Christian Message in spite of irrelevance)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

hope...

Thank you God for being my portion. You are more than enough for me


Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
    while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
    for the Lord has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust
    there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
    and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For no one is cast off
    by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
    so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
    or grief to anyone.

Lamentations 3:22-33

Sunday, September 09, 2012

“Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.” Karl Barth

love from Germany today! We went to a theme park today and had fun being children... Times like these I sometimes miss my siblings as they were normally my partners in crime when we went to theme parks. My brother is somewhere in the US for interviews and my sister, at home deliberating the Singapore life and enjoying hawker fare... 

The start of the weekend has been another challenge to date. I decide to document this for accountability. I need to continue to improve and do better. I have been and continue to be prone to the deepest darkest pits, most of which, I admit, self dug... Found myself again in this pit, which seems deeper and darker, when one is completely away from one's safety net. ... scary..... 

the husband and I were discussing temperaments following this outburst and we talked about bible characters that God used amongst many other things...

P:  "Which bible character do you think is as emo as I am?"
H (Husband): "Moses, he is the classical melancholic, i remember learning that in Youth group..." 
P: " really? how is he emo?"(What profound things do they learn in youth group!!!) 

we continued to talk and when we went back home, read the scene of Moses with the burning bush... 

H: Do you know the part when God talked to Moses when he was in the wilderness
P: Yes, the one where he married the woman and lived with his father in law? Where he had to be bare foot because its holy ground? 
H: Yes, you know the tabloid (People.com) version, but let's continue to read the conversation between God and Moses (i thought its funny for that to be categorized as tabloid!) 

We continued to read about Moses's questions to God's plan and his feeling of inadequacy. How God was patient with him despite his questions. 

Need to learn. to not be scared and to stop feeling inadequate. About everything. About life, work, finances. 

Little by little one step at a time indeed.. Deep breaths!


Thursday, September 06, 2012

Pretty simple things make me happy!

Pretty collection o earrings...


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Fear

The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord” - Oswald Chambers

Monday, September 03, 2012

it is well with my soul.


Hello from Brussels. Back home after week spent in Heidelberg, visiting libraries and being with friends. I am approaching the end of my 2nd year in school and still feel a little lost as to what I am doing. Slowly, I see glimpses of what I want to say, of what I am doing.. I was grateful to be with people I love and to be reminded that there are no accidents in who we meet, but it is important to be a blessing and to encourage each other in this journey called life.

Recently, I have been thinking of Hope. How it is very easy to lose hope, and why bother to hope. It is a lot easier to be in despair and lost but this is not the way of God's child is it. How can I be in despair if I publicly profess to be a child of God? So hope, hope because of the love of God. Hope because it provides motivation to a better tomorrow while working out today...


So easy to be in want. I shall not be in want. because my father in heaven dresses the fields in pretty lilies as well as gives food to the sparrow. I will remember that he will do that with my daily needs. I am nervous about the end of my current work arrangement and if there will be another one coming up. As I am still not legally registered in Belgium (it takes 6 months), there is no way I can find normal conventional work here...I need peace and to remember that God is in control. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Adjustments. I think i have been in flux for so long that I don't remember a time of 'unflux'. But I think this is good in that it teaches one about this pilgrimage called life. I think I am a little more settled with the different changes, in particular that of being a wife. At least I don't cringe when someone says "your husband" :) I didn't realise how difficult it would be. I still don't really understand why it's hard. With this being in Brussels mainly/just for "my husband", there have been painful moments where I felt worthless and house-wify. This lost of self identity have been made harder with the inability to speak french in a foreign land.

Over the weekend, I was reminded that my first identity as a child of God remains. Nothing can change that, not even fights, a new permanent person in my life, weird studies or a new country. It has been my intention to give God glory, and it cannot change now that I am struggling. I need to remember to count my blessings, to give life a chance and to not fret at the slightest of problem...

Deep breaths and remember to wait!

ps, pictures of pretty things at home that makes me happy. :) 

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

home.

It's difficult to transition worlds. From being alone in Brussels, to intense "motherhood/playtime" in Germany to "daughter/friend" in Singapore.  each time i need to transition worlds, especially when across continent, it is difficult.... and I am currently feeling little emo about going back. Happy to see the husband, sad to leave the family.

My mother just reminded me a few days ago tat it has been 3 months since I made this change "permanent". Time feels weird, at times something feels very long, and at other times, it feels very short. Somehow, one way or other, I need to work out a coping mechanism with the season of life I am in instead of being in tears all the time.

Some thoughts.

- Meditate on good thoughts. Amazing how fast the "toilet" thoughts appear. From thinking that if Tom Cruise separates, so can I, to thinking about what happens if something happens to my family and I am not around.. to missing my friends and thinking that maybe we won't be friends anymore one day... yeah, toilet thoughts. Somehow, I will need to be able to submit them to God, and to reframe these thoughts positively. To meditate on what is Holy, Pure, Noble and good. It is definitely not natural to do this, need to train my mind to focus on what is helpful... so help me God.

- Recenter my life. With the changes and decisions that i have made, I have basically moved away from my comfort zone and dived into potentially the most difficult ocean since. I need to put God in the center and have this sovereignty of God trump fear. Living in fear has not been helpful and I will need to intentionally remind myself that I do not need to be scared.I need to have faith that moves mountains, and to know it deep in my heart that my God is good. If He is for me, who or what can be against me?

- Carpe Diem. What I am experiencing is just a season of life. And God has made everything beautiful in His time. Since everything is transient, all I can do is to fully treasure the season I am in (instead of wishing something else), to be thankful to God for what I have today (instead of asking why) and to remember that contentment with godliness is great gain.

It's always the simple things that get forgotten first.

"Be bold and courageous, do not be afraid, becos I the Lord am with you. "

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

drift. focus. perserverance

Drifting. So hard to be intentional. Need all my self determination to do what I need to do.... Deep Breadths! 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Psalms 37: 23-24

The Lord makes firm the steps 
    of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall, 
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Procrastination




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Wednesday, June 06, 2012

focusing on the important...

me: I wished I did my own flowers, looking back, I would insist on doing it instead of outsourcing... Cannot stand the pink! Don't like it....

mr G: but you were overwhelmed, there was no time, and this was not something that can be done earlier...

me: but I don't like it....

mr G: It's ok, I still married you in the end...

That has been his argument for a lot of my "but I don't like" matters... haha. its funny how some critical distance between today and THE day can potentially make what was not nice the focus instead of what that day meant... Few weeks ago, I was wondering bout what I did not like and felt God reminding me to focus on what was good, pure, lovely... Maybe it's human nature to nit-pick, think about that which is not nice. (or maybe just my nature). I have been reminded of the need to focus on the bigger picture and to count my blessings even as I start life here. Where there are moments where things felt impossible and I felt really small, I need to remember to focus on that which is good. To count my blessings... to breathe and thank God that he is with me through it all.. :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

some thoughts...

Thoughts I have been thinking about...

1) The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want. (breathe... and breathe... and do not fret)

2) Whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things (So much easier to let mind wonder about all things negative. I am reminded that it is a discipline to think of good things, not something easy, but something that is good to do. )

3) My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (God's grace is unmeasurable and power, almighty. To believe in this grace, in a perfect God that is way bigger than any weakness that I can have... breathe again)

So, many things to meditate on  as we think about Pentecost. It's a public holiday tomorrow because of it. 

Going home to Singapore soon! transitions transitions transitions! 

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

little by little one step at a time...

nesting [ˈnɛstɪŋ]
n
(Psychology) the tendency to arrange one's immediate surroundings, such as a work station, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control

Friday, April 20, 2012

to have and to hold, from this day forth...

Bittersweet that wedding season is over, happy and relieved that it went ok, sad that it's done and now  real life begins... I have told some that marriage is an anti climax to the hype of a wedding haha.

So hello to the rare few who read this blog. Thank you for being a part of my very special day. I have told the husband that it was as perfect as it could be. Things that I am not too happy about (pink flowers!!!, my puffy eyes, cupcake hair....), well, they pale in comparison to the magic of that day.

So, wow, married. I think that its a big word that I cannot really understand. The husband thinks I am a little cuckoo....I was scared before we married, scared during the wedding and now that everything is done, I am still scared.. haha.

Some key thoughts on weddings as I leave this chapter behind and contemplate the marriage chapter.


1) From beautiful ceremony to the relationship with the man...

When I first started preparing this wedding, it felt rather "mechanical", quite like preparing any other event... except i am the "cow" in question. It was about finding a location, deciding on the feel, picking out the relevant dresses, and trying to be in shape as far as travels and asian food will allow me.

As the day drew near, the impossibility of having the perfect wedding became more real as I felt more out of control with the different details. Wanting things done my way could potentially mean conflict, and being conflict adverse for the most part, that meant letting things go...  but with the letting go of the different details that I thought was important, this gave me room to contemplate the man that I was going to marry.

I  had a real fear that after not being in the same continent with him for the past 5 months, I would not want to marry him when he comes and it would be really disastrous... I was very relieved when I hugged him and felt that love between us when he arrived. Haha, a little silly but it helped allay some fears. I was happy when I started thinking about the wedding as a celebration of our love, instead of worrying about some detail that I might have little control over.



2) a wedding as a village event

Since preparing the wedding, I have been mindful about the fact that a wedding is not so much for me as for the people around me. During the early preparation stages, I remember being quite frustrated at the expectations of a wedding and googled why have a wedding (instead of elope)... I am not one who enjoys big scenes and attention drawn to myself and speak in code about the key things in my life.. This very public declaration is something that scares me and not something that I am super comfortable with. The best google answer I could live with was around people processing my change of status and a ceremony to help everyone along... So, a "village" event.

Honestly, it has been a challenge to juggle all the different expectations from different members of the village but as the day drew closer, I realised that this wedding was also not something I could do alone. I cannot be the "cow" and also the organizer (and travel for work just before the wedding). As people stepped up to help and looked like they had fun helping (haha my sis will tell u how that is impt to me), I was touched and thankful. So, thank you for your love and time. Not sure if you received an ang pow in the end (some went missing unfortunately) but I am grateful for your help. Thank you for being there for me. Please continue to be my friend, one shape or form. you are not allowed to disappear from my life!!! And for those who came, I am so happy that you were there. You are important to me and your presence was precious to me. again, please stay :)



3) Family

I love my family. Dysfunctional in some ways(which family isn't?!?), but they are key in how I have become, and they have known me since I came to be. Despite the distances or the differences, I know and will try very hard to continue to love...

After crying many times about the prospect of losing my family, my husband has reminded me that they will continue to remain my family despite me being married. The idea of being married off doesn't apply and so I shouldn't be too dismal! (best thing about marrying my white man!)



4) Saying I do

So, in all, a decision made to say I do to one man, one imperfect human being whom I dearly love. The man whom I know upholds Godly values and whom I know wants to do some good during his lifetime. Yes there will be moments of ups and downs, moments where I might feel like he doesn't know or understand me, moments where I am drawn to something or someone else... I ask for God's protection to this love. That my energy will not be used to ponder if we should be married or if we r good for each other, but rather to think about how I can better love and cherish him for who he is. So scared(!!!) but yet at the same time, excited to know what life might bring...



Stay tuned! 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

scared...

Can't believe I am getting married. getting scared.

My father says coming to 30, time to get married.... 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

to love and be loved.

Just back from Kathmandu and Pokara, the capital city and the 2nd biggest city in Nepal. Such a rich country, little overwhelmed at the sights, sounds, faith held by the people in this land. Nepal is sandwiched between India and China. It seems to have more Indian influence but there are people who look chinese (or Mongolians from what I understand) I was here to understand more about what it means to be a christian organization in a land that is predominantly Hindus.

The Hindu faith is something that I have not really been acquainted with. This is the first time I find myself actively trying to understand what it is about. In my work thus far, I have categorised the study of religion into 2 parts, the social processes that are necessary for the correct functioning of society, as well a the "sacred", the metaphysical that provides some meaning to this world we live in. There are certain fixed rules in this faith that helps society functions. The caste system, which presupposes the role of different groups of people helps ensure there is sufficient number of "priests, warriors, farmers etc". The Gods with their different roles, map out the dos and donts of society. The Gods with their different levels of reincarnation, provide protection/care/guidance necessary for different times.

What does it mean to be Christian in a context like that? Where being a convert means condemnation of both one's ancestors as well as one's descendants.... 7 generations up and down..  I have heard stories of people running away from home as they cannot bear the family pressures. Individuals who will not say that they are Christian, but rather someone who follows Jesus's path, as being called "Christian" brings forth unrealistic expectations that are unattainable as well as social condemnation.

On the last day, I went to a charismatic church service in Nepali. Apparently one of the oldest in Kathmandu. In a week of searching what it means to be a Child of God, why be Jesus's instead of Shiva's or Vishnu's?  I hear children singing "Jesus Loves me this i know" in Nepali. A poignant moment where I know that God was speaking. He speaks of His love when others speak of fear. He speaks of a love that is in a language I may not understand, but know that the love is still meant. It is His Love that makes him superior, makes him worthy of my worship and my allegiance to him.

Love. A word that seems almost too simplistic for a long thesis on faith. A word that causes deep pain sometimes on a personal level, but yet at the same time, deep longing and hope for a happily ever after. As I ponder bout what it means, I am thankful for God's reminder that he loves me. It is this love that should motivate my actions, that will protect me from my self destructing ways, and will see me through life.

To love as Christ first loved us. To count the cost of loving, yet continue because of His gift to me. I pray for God to continue to strengthen my heart. To keep it vulnerable but yet strong enough to know that He is my portion.

Need to stop crying so much, but to smile more and reflect this love that comes from him... 

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Peirong in Nepali

My name in Nepali... (not sure how to rotate..)




Steamed samosas..otherwise known as momos




View from the office




Amazed at how different the world is!

—-- Artikel wurde auf meinem iPhone erstellt

Thursday, January 26, 2012

perserverance...


"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."
 
- Barack Obama,

Monday, January 23, 2012

friends.

I am grateful for people i call friends. People who know me for who I am, try to love me despite calling me crazy. as i go through some deep thinking, I am thankful for my friends.. whom I know love me and know I love them too... 


*********

"Portrait of a Friend"
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,nor the future with its untold stories.But I can be there now when you need me to care. 
I can't keep your feet from stumbling.I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall. 
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;Yet I can share in your laughter. 
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;I can only support you, encourage you,and help you when you ask. 
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you. 
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,room to be yourself. 
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,But I can cry with you and help you pick up the piecesand put them back in place. 
I can't tell you who you are.I can only love you and be your friend.    --Unknown

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Hello I love my sister!


—-- Artikel wurde auf meinem iPhone erstellt

Monday, January 02, 2012

there's no greater joy Lord, then being with you...

I like songs with words like "Jesus, I belong to you",... "here in your courts where I'm close to your throne, I found where I belong" etc.

I am grateful for knowing who and where I belong to.

:)