Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The past weeks have been all very intense/bitter sweet. For once in a long time, work does not take center stage and I am trying out a new reality. I knew it was going to be tough. But not that tough. haha. BUt i am glad to be alive to tell of my tale.
Last week was exciting, i met 3 professors and had an interview. I am not sure about the interview or the 3 professors but I know things are moving... Some observations.
1) God's timing is definitely NOT mine. haha. Yes, its in the bible in many places how his ways are higher, how he is not slow in keeping his promises, how we will need to wait on God to renew our strength... But when it comes to practically doing it. So hard. So hard to trust that he knows best what works/does not work.I am reminded to put my trust and I have learnt that when I am in the place of broken humility, when I am no longer striving deep inside but surrended (resigned to His Will), thats when he comes through for me... I need to remember this so that when this comes again, I will be quicker to surrender and not take too long to fret.
2) "Lord I believe, pls help my unbelief". The issue of doubt/faith/questions... I like the Centurion. He is easy to relate to. He is real. He wants to believe, but its such a difficult thing to do so.. So much easier to stress and give myself to worry. So much harder to cast this worry on Him... But yes. I am reminded that ultimately, I will need to believe him. and while it is humanly impossible. I am His and he will help me with this step.
3) He is the God of the whole universe.. and he is my Father! :) While my family can be all over the globe, I know that God sees us all simultaneously. The idea that he is watching my back even when I am here calms me down a little. When ppl are not being the friendliest, to know that My God is "Bigger" than them that calms me down. :)
4) little nuggets of love. I like how he appeared to Ezekial (spelling) in the wind, the soft wind. Reminds me that while the saying goes "the devil is in the details", God is also there. Saw snowflakes last weekend and was in awe that God bothered with designing snowflakes. Was feeling weird and was reminded that "Jesus loves me this I know". I need to learn to do better a job at counting my blessings and naming them 1 by 1!
ok, this is it for now. Will keep my fingers crossed and see how things go. It is well, with my soul!
Yay its Christmas.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called, those he called, he also justified, those he justified, he also glorified.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 06, 2009
2) Life here. Not made much comments about my life here since arriving. In reality because it has been hard. I think today I have come to terms that it is hard... and that is it ok. Nothing too wrong with me. :) I am still trying to not be sick every day. This week I am battling a horrible cold, cough and sore throat. I think the worst is behind me and I am beginning to eat healthy stuff (ate an apple today (dont't like apples))
3) Germany is a very strange land. Tissue paper has jojoba oil and aloe vera so that when sneezing, its not too painful. haha. Or cough mixtures in little sachets(think the long sugar sachets in Macdonalds) for ease of use. It's still very intriguing to me how the new and the old co-exist. Lots is spent on conservation etc but yet at the same time, they are all for the new modern stuff.
4) Most people at work know why I am in Germany. This is bitter sweet. I think myself as quite a private person. haha, sure, i think I have made a habit of talkin bout myself at times because I cant talk bout my work. But strange when people you dont really know know u r here. Hmmm, think this is fine. Just feel pressured if this doesnt work out. Its been a struggle with the professors (or the non existence of them) I thank God I have 1 appointment finalized but i am scared. What happens if this doesnt work out What do I do? I was contemplating pehrpas another land, another plan, but honestly, I dont know if I have the energy for that. Hmm, I think I am just fretting. Need to calmmmmmm ddooowwwnnn. Hmm, Anyone has contacts here. I am looking for a non profit major professor to oversee my thesis. :)
ok, will leave you with the psalm in my head. Thank you for all who are on my side, who are praying for me and love me! hee. I know I am not alone... Also, thank you God for being mine. Whatever the future holds, yes I am in his hands.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh, [a]
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his [b] face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
A body that is slowly giving way
A ringing bell indicating that its mid day
A girl still tucked in bed trying to do some work.
What will the future hold? How will things unfold?
To be safe and secured, in my savior and my God.
A post to a better tomorrow!
ps: I wil post photos up when i use my other laptop.. very very soon!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
But I am grateful God met me there. He knows what I need and works in (strange) congregations around the world. I am kept at peace because of this.
Yes, I have a maker, who knows me through and through. Who understands me even when I don't understand myself.
Thank you Jesus.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Reminded to be "whatever" with God... To have Faith and not be scared...
..... And I've decided that "Whatever" can be, if we so choose, the defining word of the Christian life. Because while few other words carry the same potential for dismissive rudeness, no other words hold the same potential for all-out surrender and steadfast faith.
I find you guilty in your sins.Whatever you say, Lord, I repent and accept the sacrifice of your Son who atoned for them.
This situation you're in is going to hurt.Whatever. I know my faith will be made strong through trials, and that I can do all things through your strength.
You don't know what the future holds; only I do.Whatever it is, you deserve glory and honor and praise. Bring it on!
I want you to [go to Africa / give to this homeless person / quit this job / plant this church / preach my Word]Whatever!
I know you think this is unfair compared to that person's situation, but do not let comparison steal my joy from you.Whatever, God. Whatever.
I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am (Phil. 4:11). Whatever you say.
Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31). Whatever you say.
Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap (Gal. 6:7). Whatever you say.
Whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free (Eph. 6:8). Whatever you say.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things (Phil. 4:8).
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
So, hello from Germany. I am almost fully settled and now go to classes every morning. My apartment is in Panoramastrasse and if I walk up the hill at my backyard, I am in a forest which would slowly lead me to cows... very picturesque. Quite interesting. Below is a picture of my street. Unfortunately, I live on the left side... not the right.. :) A very german neighbourhood but slowly feeling less alienated.
After a series of crazy hectic weeks, I finally arrived and in the first days, was unable to be constructive. Feels like living a dream, somedays a good dream, some other days.. wondering what on earth am i doing here?!? haha.... I tell people i talk to online its too cold to do anything constructive. Currently in hibernation mode... This is not good as I am currently super busy at work. But, i am taking it easy so you can imgaine how this might not be the best thing to do! oops...
So, 3 months of this life before further steps. I don't know what they will look like. My frog has been vry busy at work and with life. I am trying to not be instangl afraid of people just because.
hmmm, lets see how it goes and in the mean time, I will try not to freezeeeee..
The food that started it all. Mozerella cheese, basillicum and slices of tomatoes! Good night world, take care and I will try harder to keep in touch!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tin Woodsman: Oh, he's just a scared again.
Dorothy: Don't you know the Wizard's going to give you some courage?
Cowardly Lion: I'd be too scared to ask him for it. [sobs]
Dorothy: Well then, we'll ask him for you.
Cowardly Lion: I'd sooner wait outside.
Dorothy: Why? Why?
Cowardly Lion: Because I'm still scared. [sobs]
The crippling effects of fear. Am reminded today of courage. From a children's day message...
The attitude when facing fear....
The thing given to the lion in wizard of Oz....
The thing that God told Joshua when Moses died...
Yes, I choose to be courageous. To know that God is a victorious God. That the battle belongs to him. that he knows the end from the beginning. That it is well with my soul.
For a man who is double minded is unstable in all he does...
I will trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not own your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlesge him, and he shall make your paths straight...
Thank you for a service that speaks directly to the problem. I know you are around.
i miss my sister :( We eating crab today, I miss her.
Friday, September 25, 2009
why so downcast o my soul... put your hope in God...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
many thoughts about work, growing up is tough. working in a tough man's world is even more tough. Its's hard to be sincere, meek, and yet sharp and alert. Almost a walking contradiction. Last few nights, i end up totally spent and wishing for reprieve. Crash without washing up and wake up in bits to do what needs to be done.
Love. What is love? To be convinced of another's love. Why must love be with conditions attached, and without continous scrutiny, why does that become foolishness? I am thankful to God for his love. I need to know what it means to love others as he has loved. I dont like to fight others. this is me... love me as i am... I don't like concepts of self preservation, i associate that with fear and not loving others. maybe there is a middle road. I pray deep in my heart, that with my eyes on Jesus, he will continue to hold my hand and keep me in His hands...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting
hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is,
not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things rightif I
surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely
happy with HimForever in the next.Amen.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
This has been intensive travel.Not only because of straight travels for 3 weeks with 3 very diff assignments, very disparate in the handling, and very different contexts as well. I just finished crying for the last 30 mins and no, I am not psycho. Perhaps a little hormonal and a little overwhelmed, but such is life. I am thankful for the darling who sticks by his antagonistic dearie.
Some thoughts had this week.
1) God has a calling on all our lives, even if we do not see it. I remember a line from a video i saw a while back. In says something about how we are not made to draw our path, but rather follow the path that has been made for us by our God... HR sometimes feels a little like playing God, who to hire, what salary, where to relocate and how to separate. It is easy to lose sight that God is working within the people who make the decisions and that while we have choice and free will, he is still working in our life and it is up to us to follow that calling.
2) The single directional movement of life. Back in Laos has been bitter sweet. I remember working here for 6 ish months last year. The amount of me that I invested here. The friendships established and the political battles fought. Coming back again has been weird. Same but different. People are the same but the dynamics are different. The show must go on, and I too, need to pick myself up and move on. No sitting down to make a cosy cuddle and think abt the gd ol days...
3) Life is scary. haha. I miss the times when it is permissible to hold hands and walk together. I remember a teacher commenting once to us that we were too old to hold hands,my partner and I.. haha, but it represents a form of security. that we are in it together. that the world can be weird and all, but we can go through it together... Increasingly, more and more, as I savour life's myriad of experiences, I increasingly want to have that someone I can hold hands with through the changes.To buffer the lows and to up the ups! When the setting has moved on and you are again in a weird place, at least there is a familiar hand to hold and to remind you that you will be fine..
Ok world, good night from Laos. Be still and know that God is God...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
- Work is drama. a secret service activity that turns into something ultra complicted. This will culminate with me invigilating a written test and interviewing 25 big burly men.
- In official places, there tend to be more men than women. Yesterday, I went shoppin in an air conditioned place, I finally found more women than men. yay...
- Old muslim cleric have orange beards, no, it is not dahl stuck there, it is them trying to dye it with Hanna when what is left is orange.. very funny!
- Poverty breaks my heart. I wonder what Jesus would do if he is in Dhaka. Would he give to all the beggers that come to you knocking the window of your cars. I don't know what to do. :(
more to come... tk care meantime!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
"All our falls are useful if they strip us of a disatrous confidence in
ourselves, while they do not take away a humble and saving trust in God." - Francois Fenelon
"He started speaking to me, as a servant I was dispensable- servants come
and go, and God can choose any of us to do any job in His kingdom..... But as a
Child of God, I was indispensable. There could never be another me - a child
irreplacable" Matt Redman
Teach me to know that regardless of what people say, of institutions and cultures, I am a princess of God, deeply loved (as says Yurong's phone) and precious in His sight.
Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
But I think that was it... I never once felt slighted for an opportunity because I was a girl. I get the equal treatment of study your eyes out because this is the thing to do, or practice your piano because you go for classes... I went to girls' schools for a good part of my education and was taught that wat was ultimately important, what determines the value of one's worth is based on one's results, credentials etc. Not saying that this is the best approach, but this is something that one has control over, not like the gender that you are born with.
Imagine my shock in the South Asia Continent. I don't think going to little india in Singapore will adequately prepare one of the feeling of this part of the world... neither will mixing with all my Indian/Bangladeshi/Pakistani friends.. Haha. Well, its not that bad really, but I do think there was an intense culture shock. For once, I did feel bad being a woman. haha, I think this is more intense than in China. Or maybe i am just more used to the Chinese. But it was all very strange... from men looking at you intensely with no discretion to not being spoken to because you are a woman.. hmm. Difficult.
Its great I suppose to work in the regional office, I do not need to play the game of rank and file, but rather just go and get the work done. Some days, I work with the big boss in the office, other days, with the smallest person. Its great to hear and learn from all levels. I know one day why I have the honor of this experience but for now, it has been great. However, I can't help but put myself in the shoes of what a typical female my age/credentials will be doing if I were in country. Hmmm.
I guess I am just reeling from Culture Shock. I don't know how to process. Women rights movements feel very distant from these realities. These women belive this is their lot and accepted that. Added to that is the consideration of the Muslim context. hmmm. I don't know..
Well, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am happy to be home today and able to go out with whoever I wish to and not worry about what I wear. Simple things that are very quickly taken for granted.:)
Monday, August 03, 2009
So, yes in Dhaka. When I first arrived. I think i was tired and grumpy, this possibly made me more annoyed with my little room, grimey carpet and erm. overall demeanor of the hotel. This was of course after waiting half an hour for my transprot to the hotel from the airport and men helping my boss (male) and other men but totally ignoring me. Grrr. I am not used to be slighted to this degree.....
So yes, back to my room. At 130am, when i am all settled (read changed and not presentable) the door rang and I sprung out of my bed and put on something decent and screamed wait, worried that somebody would just open the door (yes there is no internal lock)... So I opened the door and guess what? A basket of fruits !!!! haha, yes while I appreciate the gesture,it is a little late at 130 am... hmmm, Anyway, I asked about internet and the guy mumbled something so I said ok, maybe tomorrow since it is late and I want to sleep.. .. Anyway, the door closed on me and I started getting ready for bed sort of... at about 2am, the bell rang again !!! Grrr, this time i was in the toilet and was totally scared they will just open the room door since the toilet door was not closed at the room door. I screamed WAIT and then rushed to look presentable again. This time, the guy came with a intenet cable... haha, I said thanks and after fixing that, I pointed him to the clock that doesnt work and after 5 minutes, he understood that the clock doesnt work and I would like it fixed. I closed the door at him and waiting 30 minutes for another disturbance, I finally started settling myself to bed.... At this time, I was done talking to my frog and tried at length to count my blessings and feel better about the situation...
At 555am, I was awoken by a knock on the door. Initially, I thought that it was just my imagination and tried to go back to sleep. After a while, I realised that it was not going away and that it was not my dream. There was a man at my door!!! I wondered what I should do and was going to start dressing up to open the door again when I decided to just ask what he wanted. He said it was my wake up call!! and I said ok thanks... !!!! Retrospectively, I think that he had understood our looking at the clock as me wanting a wake up call. Haha. Lost in translation.
Yes, this is a strange land, even if my experiences are confined in the hotel.I am pleased to report that I am over the initial frustration and now quite enjoying myself. I don't think I would want to settle down in the south asia sub continent but it has been okie. Here, only men work in the hotel (which includes housekeeping!!) and yea, I am in the company of men this whole week....
Hehe, currently processing thoughts on culture and how this affects work ethics... How development work and poverty together can inevitably affect how one expects hand outs instead of fighting for things. And how these thoughts are so deeply rooted I am not sure a seminar here and there will change things.
Must believe that Jesus is the answer and that he loves all the people of the world....
Back to work!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I am eternally thankful that I know this is what I am supposed to do this season of my life.
While wishing that people I love will get that too, this is who I am and nobody is cheating me.
Maybe one day they will, maybe they wont, but it is ok, cos it is not for them...
Just for the record. I love what I do... and grateful for people who touched my life and let me touch theirs.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
The Great Multitude in White Robes
9After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. 10And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." 11All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12saying: "Amen! Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!"
13Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?"
14I answered, "Sir, you know."
And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
15Therefore, they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. 16Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. 17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
I had a weird night. Had feelings of despondency, sadness in waves. Previously, this feeling only comes when I am about to wake up. and I will pray and commit the day to God and wake up. But this time, I wake up every hour, call out to God and try to remember if I did my quiet time... I doze back to sleep but wake up with the same negative feeling...
At bout 5 ish, I spoke to my darling and he prayed for me and sang me a lullaby, think that calmed me down... .. thereafter, i made a mesh of dreams and clearly remembered the impression of revelations 7. Haha, i remember having to refer to that when I wake up but after that impression of revelations 7, I slept like a baby...
Maybe something someone will tell me what I am supposed to know. For now, this feels like something bout reassurance.
I am also thankful for real life people who walk before me and show me that it is possible, all things considered, to count for our Lord and to be happy and victorious.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
"To you he is an icon, to us he is family" - Janet Jackson.
"I am not trying to whitewash his sins, but i know he is a loving father" - Some rabbi
"Michael will be in a place that he can finally find rest" - Lisa Presley
I am very fascinated by how things are playing out for MJ. Haha, I think he is slightly before my time, when I was a kid, my parents would tell me he was a puppet and I would earnestly believe them. I am thinking about the movie Citizen Kane, some old retro movie that was about the life of Orson Welles. About people trying to figure out what his last word "rosebub" was. I wonder what would people think of when I am no longer here.... the strange girl that chose the hardest path? the girl that needs to learn from doing? ... hmmm.
Another related topic would be how people become the people they are. for MJ, the lack of father's love was evident, the lack of a real childhood resulted in Neverland, in friendships with young boys... I was reading about the life of Samuel today during church. Very fascinating. In his life, he had a mother that honored her promise to the Lord regarding her son's life, a father who loved his mother, a mentor that could deal with God saying that his household will not be priests and still say, "He is the Lord, let him do what is good in his eyes".
Today was youth sunday at church, the main thrust of the message was about being an example to the young people in our lives. About investing in another's life. How true. how apt. I remembered the people in my life who were patient with me. who shared their wisdom, their experiences, their lives. I wonder if I am doing enough of a job to do the same. I tell my colleague that I want to be as transparent as I can. That people can see the different things in my life and see the hand of God in it...
Talking about things in my life... I am currently pondering what to do now. I think that its hard to know what God wants, is ok with. the line is so thin. Doing my will and doing His will. I dunno where it ends on being pushy and when it starts in being passive. I remember a Catholic man i sorta respect tell me a paraphrase of what st Augustine said ... Love God and do whatever you want. ie the love of God will be enough to guide one's decision making process.
Am I loving God in my thought process? I hope I am.... Sigh. into your hands, I commit again.
*closes eyes, bows head and seeks God*
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
But knowing that God is in control, that this is a day in many days, a page in many pages, that there is a God that knows the beginning from the end, does set comfort to my pained heart.
please take from me my Lord, when I don't have the strength to give it away to you.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
b) Having more time to chill in my purple room. A little space all to myself
c) Parents. For the willingness to bring me to the nearest station, or the nearest point enroute to where they are off to.
d) For a job that I like that gives me the flexibility to be me.
e) For a ever metamorphosizing darling that tries to learn to deal better with me each time.
f) For friends from around the globe that remind me to not be too self absorbed. To remember the important things in life.
g) For church I attend - the current constant in my life. For the book of Numbers, where I feel like a wayward Israelite...
h) For God. Who is God. Who knows who I am deep inside but still accepts and loves.
Practising what I am learning.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed (Proverbs 16:3).
To commit means to put in charge or entrust. I find it easy to include the Lord in my everyday life, but more difficult to completely hand it over to him and not worry. Unless your plans are committed to and aligned with the Lord, they will not succeed to the extent they could with the Lord’s blessing.
Have you committed whatever you do to the Lord? Have you sought after the Lord’s direction and purpose for your life? Have you heard his voice and accepted His ways?
The frequent attacks by the world telling us we need to take control of our lives and live by the world’s agenda are only the plans of the enemy to make us feel dissatisfied. Commit whatever and everything you do to the Lord and he will satisfy your needs.
Sometimes we forget the Lord’s purpose will always prevail despite our best plans and ourselves.
If we spend each day with a heart of gratefulness, acknowledging the little, often unnoticed, blessings in our life, we will start to appreciate the goodness of the Lord and begin focusing on what we have rather than what we don’t.
God promises he will give us the desires of our hearts; however He asks us to delight ourselves in him. It is through consistent gratefulness for all things that we will grow to see how God is working.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
hehe. I think the week started out quite well. I reached a certain equilibrium regarding my lot in life. Friend asked how i was doing and i said fine, that i am zen bout it.. haha. but talking about it manged to throw me out of balance. Made me think of what ifs, of what happens if not. The insecurities. Gah.. and to think that I was deluded to think that I was fine about it...
But this is what it is. A journey. not a destination. It's tough. Tough to think climb and climb and climb even when it seems pointless perhaps, tough to feel alone and in a rut and unable to act. powerless. Today at devos, we talked about hope, and how this is based on the knowledge of a perfect plan in God, instead of it being based on disney fairy tales.
I tell people I love that we will keep learning the same lesson until we finally learn it. I feel like I am having a take -10 on this lesson of knowing that God will come through for me.
So, I shall remember. I shall remember that this is all part of character molding. All going to be good in the long run. The state of being teary eye, the occasional feeling of being displaced, the frustration of not having a plan... God has a plan....
I am not alone in this journey. His rod and staff they comfort me....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Out of nowhere, almost random friend sent me a u tube song about life being in God's hands or something.. So i do what I do as usual at work, continue u tube various songs. choosing the next one that makes me happy...after a while. I came across a rendition of Turn your eyes upon Jesus... and that calmed the heart...
After a few hours, a friend came with a rose :) Hehe. yes flowers and peirong go very well. So had a rose beside me while i work. must say the rose smelt very nice. hehe, thanks babe...
Today, our neighbouring office sang, "turn your eyes upon Jesus" and I remembered. Rememebered that he cares. he cares enough to drop nuggets of encouragements. to tell me that he is still present.. that he is still real during this wave of uncertainties..
ps: I am also very grateful to msn and the accessibility it gives me to people ard :) People whom I love heaps and love me too. there for me to whine and get me through days at work.
Thank you :))
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I have been asking my father if i will ever marry. He says yes if i am not choosy. hmmmm. Today, in the car with mommy, told her that in the dating scene nowadays, girls will pay at times. there is no clear role where the boy must pay for the girl. Hmm, she thinks thats why boys dont respect girls. lol. I thought the reason why a girl wants to pay is to show she doesn't need the boy to pay?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
I remember when i was 8-9, I came across the word masturbation (don't remember why) and I asked my helper then what it meant. She gave me the look and asked me to ask my dad.... Over dinner that night, i innocently asked my dad what that meant and I do believe he almost choked and told me never to talk about this because it is a bad subject... and that i was too small so I won't understand. haha. yes, this goes most of the "sex education" when we were younger. silence. this is something you wont do and it doesnt concern my baby daughter.
When I started going out with dodedo,fling,wantan (they r the same person btw), i think my dad was extremely extremely stressed. I had a no stay over rule and nothing else was discussed. I remember an instance when I was going to travel to Australia with mom the next day and stayed out for most of the night cos I would miss my darling... (a stay over technically means sleeping over. Since I was at my swimming pool downstairs, I didnt think i was breaking the rule) When I went home, my parents looked like they didnt sleep too and were fighting. Upon further probing, I realised that they were super upset cos I was not home yet... I think my dad was worried some horrible unmentionable thing would happen to his little girl and she would be eaten up by wolves. Yes, that is the term my dad has for most men, wolves... haha, and how i need to be wary of them. :)
(I HAD A SUPER LONG POST.. but it got deleted from here on ... :( )
So what is my point? my point is that sex is too important to be left to chance. Having read different posts on Aware's manual, i honestly dont get the gripe. Yes, they bring to surface all sorts of taboo but which is better? To be hush hush and pretend they dont exist? Or to bring it to surface as delicately as possible. And if it is brought up, shouldn't it be done to include all different groups of people instead of judging when people who need to hear this most are perhaps the ones that the public is reacting against?
Like it or not, ideas about sex is value laden in all sorts of ways. (In Africa, the pope has just spoken up against the use of condoms but looking at a possible exception for married couples where 1 partner has aids)... So my point is that there is a place for Aware, but also a place for groups/family units to inculcate values. If children has been brought up to be able to know what they believe in, why is there fear that we r polluting impressionable minds? Like it or not, we are a society that has progressed and with progression comes all sorts of influences. I remember watching tv with my grandmother and whenever a bust enhancement ad comes along, she would be upset and tell me how women would never do that in the past. Being "big" is not a sign of beauty that would be flaunted. This is shameful and unacceptable..
We need to accept the fact that the government is no longer able to be as clear in their confucious traditional role where the government is authority on what's right or wrong. There are other influences as trade and progress takes place Maybe thats why God was very clear who the Israelites should be in contact with. But this is our reality, we are a small tiny red dot that has chosen that for economic viability, trade is what we will be up to!
This leaves the family or values- based groups to infuse these values and principles. We need to empower young minds (like mine.hehe) to make their own decisions. We need to provide principles and values to work from. We no longer live in kampongs with close tight knit community where people would not do something out of fear of shame (not sure if that is the best way but that works)
I am especially grateful to people in my life who have believed in me. Who have told me their reasons for actions instead of inposing their values on me.Yes. I deeply believe there is a standard. but this must be God's standard not man made. Man will always change, but God's word remain. There is a verse that says do not add/subtract what God says... so what does God say about sex? and more importantly, what does God say is the commandment we need to live by?
I believe in my heart, it is important that my actions show that I love God above all, that I love self and I love others as I love myself. Question then would be what does it means to love? This would be informed by what I learn.What the bible says? I believe that this is where parents, the church can influence. To leave it to chance, to MOE, that would be unwise..
Welcome to the modern world, or the post modern world for that matter... :)
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Thankful for people that helped with the transition. For the drinks, company n presents(thank you for the Camera!! hehe nice pretty hot pink camera!.. :) Been a very busy weekend. we went to Dempsey on Friday night for drinks, Asian Civilisation Museum, Hooters, Tapas, Prawning on Saturday and today, I went to collect my free gift from Canon. Was going to go for dinner with hntb, but didnt happen.. so oh well... here I am with my good ol. blog.
For a large part, 25 felt very much like a year of waiting and tying up loose ends. i graduated, finished my work in Laos, trying frantically to spend time with family and friends after long time away, went to the UK for a summer school experience...
There was a time when I wanted to do all that I wanted to do because I was afraid time was running short. that i might not have led a fulfilled life. this year. I realised that I have a life ahead of me and no, i should not rush through life but pace myself. haha. maybe that's why adults tend to be slower with life. There are no definite time frames for the most part and things can possibly fall into a routine with a highlight here and there....
perhaps because of my intentions. I feel obliged to spend more time with family, friends and people I dearly love. working on relationships is fun. rewarding. but also work. takes time, love and effort. How much easier is it to hide and ignore the world... but that is not what we are called too.so something i need to learn. to continue to spend time with people I love...
Yes, i think this was a good year overall. no super big events but a string of events sufficient to show that time moves... the next year promises to be a year of events, of decisions and of action. Perhaps thats why God has given me a relatively restful year.
The past 2 weeks at Church we have been learning about Complaining. Numbers 11-12. (we are going through the whole book of numbers in church) One of the points last week was about the deep knowledge of God's control in our life, we will be content and not complain, this week was about the attitute of grace and mercy. To know that because we have been shown grace and mercy, we can do the same as well. So hard. to know what it means to extend grace instead of tolerating everything. tough to figure out what the right thing to do some times.....
This year, I want to continue to remember that I belong to God. not only does he love me, but I am His, and so, i have a rock, a strong tower... in a sea of change.... it is so easy to feel swept out of control and lose bearing of life.
this year, I want to grow in grace instead of pettiness. I want to learn to smile and be truly fine when someone might have what i want (hehe), when i am slighted or when i do not feel considered....
this year, I want to be truly fine for my lot in life. To remember that it is well in my soul.. in light of eternity, my difficulties, joys,challenges or pain, this too shalt pass....
Godliness with contentment is great gain. Be thou my vision...
Last photo of being 25 :)
Friday, May 01, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Have you ever allowed your workplace circumstances to cause you to grow weary? Perhaps life’s circumstances have brought a heaviness upon you and weighed you down to the point that you found your workdays to be a great chore. Perhaps depression has even come upon you. Where did the joy go?
The dictionary defines circumstances as “factors beyond willful control.” In other words, if we had a choice, we wouldn’t choose them. We simply wouldn’t want to deal with them.
All of us journey through winter seasons in our lives and in our careers. I recall one such season not so long ago. Although I was moving forward in God’s plan, it seemed that each step was like plowing hard ground. And although I still had the joy of the Lord within me, I could feel my patience being stretched daily, wondering, “When will this season end? Why does everything feel so difficult?”
Then something amazing happened. God woke me up very early one morning, about 3 a.m. I rose from my bed and felt led to stand in front of our dining room window. My heart felt heavy. Even so, I put on a praise CD, and I began to quietly sing praises unto God. Then I asked Him what He wanted to show me.
As I looked out onto our backyard, I saw an expanse of tall weeds near the perimeter. Oh how I hated those ugly weeds! The sight of them caused me to weep out of frustration because they were a reminder of the heavy circumstances in my life that seemed to not disappear.
Seeking refuge, I gazed up at the star-lit sky for a moment. But I was quickly distracted by those weeds. My eyes lowered once again to see them before returning back up to the stars. This time, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to look out at those weeds anymore.
As I focused on the heavens above me, I could feel my desire to reach up to God increase. After about 20 minutes of singing praises and seeking Him, I pressed my cheek flat against a window pane so that I could see more sky overhead. When I did this, I saw the brightest star of all. It was straight overhead, and I would’ve missed it if I hadn’t pressed in and set my eyes vertically.
In that moment, God spoke to me in a revelation. I gasped in awe, and I began to weep again. Then just as I cupped my hands over my mouth, a falling star shot down from that perfect early morning sky, right into the weed patch. In this moment, God spoke to me again saying, “I’m singeing your weeds.” I dropped to my knees in total, humble awe, and my spirit rejoiced in the Lord.
What’s more, the CD that I had been listening to was Nicole Nordeman’s Woven & Spun. The song that played when God showed me the brightest star and the falling star was “My Offering.” The chorus that played the moment my eyes first saw the brightest star was, “Open up the heavens, open up the skies . . . “ And the moment the other star fell, the song neared its end with a crescendo playing, “and the stars every evening are all standing by to light the sky . . . “
Indeed, the God who placed the stars in the sky and knows them by name, the God who cares about every detail of our lives, chose a creative way to remind me to keep my eyes on Him and not look to circumstances, no matter how difficult they seem. Indeed, His word is true: Nothing is more powerful than the God who created the universe. There is joy in the morning, and our circumstances must bow to the name of Jesus.
What circumstances in your life or your workplace are causing you heaviness? Ask the Father in heaven to help you keep your eyes fixed on Him. Then cast them into the sea, and rejoice.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Scary without even saying BOO!
Fleeting, it comes and goes like a thief in the night
The past haunts, the future taunts,
What could have been and what might be.
Spending time anxious, in want.
Knowing that the Lord who calms the sea will chase you away
But it is also an act of the will -
To choose to not be affected, to be brave and to smile
Smile and not fear, for the Lord will not leave
He who bravely faced the cross, who allowed the inevitable to happen,
was victorious at the end
Yes, to know that pain and joy goes together.
That there is only the resurrection because of the cross
That faith comes not only from one or the other.
Teach me to not fear the mighty Gespenst,
even if a horde of them...
Translation of the word Gespenst:http://www.dict.cc/deutsch-englisch/Gespenst.html
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Have been lost in translation... While in Amsterdam, went for a french movie with Dutch translation and last night, went for a medieval play of Daniel that was in Latin with German subtitles. haha. none in a language i can understand. fully dependent on the frog. haha. One cool thing i learn was Dutch actually meant "Deutch" which is German... so for whatever reasons, the dutch people were termed dutch cos they were Deutsch. haha. go figure.
We went to Van Gogh's museum as well as the State Museum which housed Rembrandt's work. walked around along canals, took photos and just roamed. Stayed in a B&B, house of an Irish man who has lived in Amsterdam for bout 10 years. I am betting that he is gay but not complaining cos that means tulips and daffodils in the house with fresh aromas of muffins and apple pies...
On the last way, before driving back, we went to check out wind mills.... no trips to Holland is ever complete without the windmill.... :) hehe. it was heavily cluttered with wind mills and i thought of one not too smart thought... it is quite windy today. haha... Was overall fun and when the pictures r within reach, would post some of them up...
Now, back to semblance of a normal life. will be spending this week in Germany just to chill. I think the threat is to believe that one is helpless and irrelevant outside the comfortable setting. Everything feels like they r in place and the danger is to feel useless in the setting.... reached a meltdown and then am reminded to fight for who I am. have the a secured identity that is not pegged to what's done. to a job or even a place. I am who i am because I am me....a child of God...
Yes, asking for much. and i think when thrown in uncomfortable situations. one either clings tightly to one's faith. or something else that might have a hold as stong. and it is in such situations on needs to decide to whom is their God?
Have also been thinking much bout cross cultural relationships. We bought a book about this topic and was reading it earlier. It is a hard read but I think overall good. considers all the painful hot topics like money, in laws, place of residence, sex, food, separation via divorce or death etc. haha. very real the issues. the book takes the examples of real life couples and ways they deal with it... or not.... It's real. dont think for a second that this is going to be easy. will be a very crazy move. haha. let's see. somewhere deep inside. i believe in a higher power that is orchestrating this. will leave this in that higher power hands and try to practice what i preach... to seek in Him and his righteousness and remember all things will be added unto me...
Okie. back in a few days. meantime. eat all the good food for me. i miss food. haha. okie. for whoever is reading. love u and take care in the meantime...
Friday, February 27, 2009
The past weeks have been good I guess.... One thing abut being home is probably home time feels to slip away so very quickly. Maybe I don't make the most out of it as I should but anyway. I think I have gotten used to it finally. :) I like meeting people, coming back to my purple room, getting annoyed with public transport, etc. All very simple and silly, but this is living the life in the valley, where it is important to just live and not wish for time to past sooo quickly. hah
hmmm, some other things that have gone by since... I finished my applications for school. I hope it goes well. I don't really want to work for a while. hehe. can I go back to school please?
Ok people. TGIF! Yay to mosaic classes tmr and perhaps Marley and Me.. Let's get well soon!!!
Thank you for my V day present! 1 week to castleland! :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Peter Pan, Big Fish, Moulin Rouge,... I have a thing for shows that are querky, that celebrate being little weird. little strange. little childish.
Affected by being considered to be made use of. Is that such a concept as being made used of lovingly? Can somebody tell my parents that I am happy to be made used of my organization as this is how I feel I am serving Lord now? Sure some days are mighty rough. but for the most part, I am loving it, loving the opportunities to love people and to be able to make a difference.
As my pastor puts it, this world is not a playground, it is a battleground. Important to live life as a soldier,this mindset affects life choices.
If this is what it means to never grow up. May I never grow up but believe that I can make my God happy just by being the daughter he made me to be.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Happy Chinese New Year. This year, we do our annual rounds to my parents' elders place. The questions they ask centers ard, 1) My brother's occupation and how he is doing, 2) when are you getting married, 3)what do you do...
As my relatives are rather chinese, I would say, I do "office" work and no, not yet, not getting married. Somehow, this feels like a "wrong" answer as I do not fit into some expected mould. Sure, I get it we do not need to conform, but after 7 houses of reinforcement that this is the thing to do. its tough. its tough to believe that you make sense. tough to believe that you made the right decision and is on the path of the straight and narrow...
Nevertheless, we are called to not conform. To believe and not waver. to know deep in my heart.
This I will do. I will love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength, because I know, deep inside, God loves me dearly too and it is well in my soul.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Okie... my frog might actually get jealous if I go on with this train of thought.... yesterday, I wanted to finish some work and watch a little of the inaguration before calling my frog. Hee. I am not American, not black, but this matters to me, resonantes deeply....
Hmmm, yesterday while listening to his speech, I was taken back by his ideals that he is willing to work for, for honesty, hardwork,.. He is the president, probably one of the most powerful man in the world, granted some of what he says is just feel good mumbo jumbo,but he inspires, he does make you believe that the sum of individuals ambitions is smaller than what the common ambition can achieve... He believes in a bigger purpose, is humbled by the job, asks God for guidance, and people to be ready to work. :)
Hope, perserverance, redemption. That which is needed in the valley, the shadow, the depths a a country, ...... even that of one's soul. With this inaguration, I feel encouraged. haha, of "yes we can"
The problem with my job is that after coming back from a stint and typing up the loose ends, the change of pace is abrupt, the need to face self is great,the need to grapple... this tends to sink me into a deep abyss of emos. haha. (Like it or not. I need to accept how God has made me. ) Coupled with this, I had a "bloody fight" last year with management on what I felt was the right thing to do. I fought tooth and nail, utilised all political connections, prayed, bitched, worked it to the end. Along the way, I was disappointed by people, frustrated at how things are, angry with the injustice of this earth. realised my place in this world... perhaps the good thing that came out was also about surrender. I can make the most beautiful proposal,.. by at the end of the day... God is in charge... he will do as he pleases.
I am currently trying to write up my school application. This has proved to be a difficult task. I ask if this is what I want. I wonder about the topic to consider and freak out once ever so often. Credit must go to my frog who tries to put up with me. haha even if he might be the cause of this season in life... :) Anyway, while listening to the speech last night, I had a glimpse. A glimpse of what a future might look like. Of inspiring young minds... of being a vessel that they might find the potential in themselves. So with that, I have a renewed zeal to this application that I am sorting out...
Final thought. seasons are necessary for one to see the flow of time. To be like Jesus... To remember that things do not stay the same. Not forever. This is a journey, not a destination...Do you know where you are going? There is a season for everything. It's time to move on. to work out the details, to be brave and glad...
Welcome Mr President ;)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year..." —
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Hello 2009. I cannot believe a new year is here. this year, I turn the wrong side of 25. haha. I feel old. Hmmm, i know in the grand scheme of things, it is not old. But it is as though the tide is turning, a new chapter is turning and with change, comes uncertainty.
The theme thought this year has got to do with forgetting what is behind, will strain, focus and be faithful in obtaining the goal.... Godliness. to know deep inside that Jesus is the reason.
May God forever be the strength in my weakness. Have a great week ahead! Welcome Mr President! :)
Ps: Thank you frog for my art prints! :)