Sunday, January 28, 2007

May the force be with you.

Watched a bit of blood diamond yesterday night and Crash today. Am thinking about how we live in a very evil world... Whether in a third world country or in an affluent country. each has its own set of issues...

How does one determine if one is more evil than the other. How does one decide one's actions towards the forces of evil? Crash was particulary poignant because it had the element of good intentions but bad results.. Motives and intentions are not enough sometimes... Actions need to be grounded on these motives and not be swayed by feelings of fear, guilt, shame.

I guess I can go on about how evil-ness is very prevalent, but we all already know that. So the question now will be what are you going to do about it? Join a social activist club? Was thinking sometime back that being a model is at the top of the food chain, you get to wear pretty clothes without paying for it, you get men at your backs doing exactly what you want... hahaa, and one day I got a bit less shallow... I realised that clothes was not all that mattered:P though this was only drilled into me after joining the pagaent that had the tagline "beauty with a purpose"... it is all dreamy enough for me to go for it.. haha, but with sleazy management and sleazy videos and cheapo bird nest's endorsement where an old uncle's vote was all that mattered... Next, no more just lookin like a pretty face.:)

So, I continued on my quest to find that one thing that would give me the leverage to help make things better. The more i journey, the more i realise that perhaps what i am looking for is not that tangible.. living in a world that is interdependent, there will always be one that is higher than the other, depending on the slant you wish to look from. Riches are important. Sure, but what are the powers of darkness that holds this rich men (it is highly plausible that I am beling sour grapes here hence saying that being rich is just a good thing and not a must have...:P ), also, what is it about this richess that enables the person to be better than his poorer neighbour? His connections? His $$$? or possibly his nurture...

Anyway, I digress. The point I am trying to make is that I am slowing feeling that I am now of the mind that perhaps it is an inner quality that I am looking for... An inner quality that despite prevailing circumstances, results in survival and goodness. Sure this is not rocket science and many people have already figured this out... look at the number of man-made millionaires, rags to riches stories...But I am thinking about more than that. How does one use this inner quality for good?

Recently, I have been reflecting on what it means to be a NGO worker. Partly because of the angst I feel about how I am compensated, this makes me wonder if I am really contributing to making this world a better place with my present role? In the NGO front, therein too lies power and control issues and forces of evil. Sure it is a Christian organization,but it is also fallen men who are running it. With falleness comes pride, the need to succeed,recognition and esteem. There is no running away from it. My good friend wrote me an email of encouragement yesterday regarding our good work in another part of this region. Perhaps I should not care soo much about my role per se, but that good work is done, regardless of how fast or slow it is.. That is not for me to question as much.. Yes, I am all for excellence. But this drive for excellence cannot result in a selfish ambition.

As I continue to ponder about the good, bad and ugly... there is a place for pondering and a place to do something about it.. It is my prayer that I will find that place to make a difference, not for myself, but for the betterment of another.

Teach me to be less of myself and more of You.
To love your grace and compassion for others more than for
myself.
Thank you for your goodness, grace and faithfulness.
May hope continue to dwell in my heart as I walk through life.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

for the romantic in me...

Mr Darcy: You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Christian in Moulin Rouge: Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End.

Haha, I just followed a good friend for veil shopping... this is the result of that. I want a king kong who will swat planes in pursuit of me, a christian in Moulin Rouge to write a story of love and a Mr Darcy to not mind our great divide in everything possible but loves me for me. :)
Ok, enough of the dreaming. Time to draft more contracts. Will somebody trade with me please? :)

Harry (in when Harry met Sally) I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
................maybe i will get married one day...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A new year. Time please wait for me to catch up with u...

Is it really 2007. Wow, today is the 16th January.... I have a list of things on my to do list for work but as usual, i am in one of my moods where i couldnt care less if the person doesnt get paid, if the contract is not drafted, and if the world breaks down.. haha, ok, that sounds a bit morbid but, i can do with just stoppin in my tracks and writing down some thoughts....

I realised that its been a while since I updated my blog. It is my bid to be more transparent. in the silly mind of mine, I am thinking that if i post some of my thoughts up, I will feel more accountable to live the life that I want just cos I have the whole world wide web to keep me accountable... It enables me to be me without worrying if I am hurting another fellow human being. well, I try not to at least but sititng behind my cubicle, I feel like I am not as "lethal", haha.

So, I need to post photos on my trip. Over Christmas, I went to Malaysia with my family. We did a tour and so I did a lot of sleeping on the very comfy seat. It must be a ploy..to keep the seats all cushy so that we will not complain about the long distances. It was nice to travel with family though my parents are growing older, less alert and requires more looking after. Such is the circle of life.

Before the new years', I flew to Chiang Mai and traveled ard thailand. Many times I just go to Bangkok, wanted to see what the rest of Thailand looks like. :) So, I went to Chiang Mai, Kanchanaburi and ended up at Krabi. Hee, that was quite an adventure. I love holidays..the 24 hrs feels so much more utilised. Like in the morning, i find myself in the middle of nowhere on a bus and in the evening, I am doing something entirely different. I am quite a happy wanderer.. really am. :) I enjoy meeting fellow travellers who are on the road forever just doing their thing. I think subconsciously in me, that's what I want to do. Perhaps they have got it right? Life is a journey, enjoy the ride wherever you are, when its time, move on.... :P

So, some highlights of my trip includes New Years' Eve. I lit up a lamp that flew up into the sky (think hot air balloon physics).. however, before letting it go, i did not let enough air in so it got caught on the wire cable.. :( Needless to say, it sank into the long kang (drain) in front of me... God must be good though, while just enjoying the moment (both good and bad), some random person asked if I would like to light another and so I managed to let my wish, greeting to God rise to heaven. Hee, that moment, I felt just that bit closer to God...

River Kwai and the bridge. Was there with another good friend. It is nice to rekindle friendship, spend those sweet moments catching up and making new memories. Hee, I must have taken like 100 photos of the bridge at different angles. :) Besides the bridge, I went to a war cemetary and also some other museums. It is revisit of one's history. In school we were thought abt the death railway and so it sounds like a good idea to go check it out. :) Sleepy town with bridge.. i like it!

Krabi. haha, i think the trip there was way more epic than the time i spent there. I took a train, sat at the sleepers fan section as I wanted to save some money... It was nice to be in the middle of the locals and do as they do. As they say... When in rome, do as the romans do! :) hee, the train was obviously delayed (welcome to Thailand) and after the ride that lasted 11 hrs, was whisked into a bus that brought us to the pier (for those going to Ko Samui) and there we took another bus to krabi town. the total bus ride took abt 3.5 hrs!... haha. by the time i reached krabi, i was just thankful i was in one piece and i have arrived :)

At krabi, I snorkelled, felt like a big bait, watched the world go by and watch the world go by somemore.. Oh, I fell asleep watching liverpool lose.. not the most exciting. haha. :)

I do enjoy visiting new different places and being a little like a fish out of water. I crave the sense of life involved and the need to be kept on ones toes. Perhaps the thing I dont like the most is when I am viewed as a piece of meat. I can deal with being alone, with reading maps *gasps*, with making new friends.. but I am still not good with fending away advances.. this is when I feel like i should just buy myself a ring to "ward off evil", though my friend said that the only thing i would ward away would be the decent company.. bummer.

So, now I am back to my real world. To facing datelines, doing work that while I care enough about and know that God would have me do my best,it is not what I would otherwise choose to do.. paperwork. haha. After posting this, I feel like posting my photos too. ok..., will do that on another I-really-dont-feel-like working day.. hee. In the meantime, may God grant me the grace to work. grant me a greater propensity to love and accept people as they are....

Hmmm, I want to change my blog skin. So many things I want to do.. though the most impt would be to slowly pack and sort out my life. 2006 was a yr of challenges, may God continue to work in 2007. In Christ alone will I glory.