Friday, December 28, 2007
Other than that. I hv had a nice white christmas.. It was snowing and it is all cold.. I was fine for the most time but today, I m a bit down with a cold.. Hopefully Febs will do the trick.. Oh, I went sleighing.. Frog thinks we are fine without even explaining the basics to me and we went up the ski lift and he was like ok, we start here... errr. it was crazy. it was super steep and the 2 of us just makes the sleigh move much faster.. I was crying for it to stop after a while.. I m sure my sister would have enjoyed it... but i am not half the daredevil she is....
Nthg too exciting this week but I will be heading to Paris next week i hope. I really want to go to the Lourve.. and see the eiffel. But I dont reckon I want to go up there... Oh well, let's see.
Life can be strange if you allow it. I think life is life despite being in different continents and Jesus is stil the answer for every problem.
Thank you for agreeing to be in this fallen world.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
On a brighter note, I am really grateful to God for bringing people into my life. One of the senior staff in the Tsunami office grew to be someone I sincerely loved and respected and wanted to learn from. I bounce my young, idealistic but untested ideas at him and with his fatherly wisdom, he allowed me to grow and figure it out. Thank you God. I know that I will not forget the times we had.
Am going to the land of the castles tomorrow for 1 month. Desperately trying to clear my stuff so that I can leave in peace tomorrow. (still in the office now) Despite the obvious reason of me goin, I have left Europe as the last frontier for exploration. For the time when I need to see wonders and be fascinated again. To be inspired. To be amazed at talented artisans. To visit Beethoven Haus, art museums, castles, rivers, Christmas markets.. :) I thank God for the chance to go at this time...
Hope. The reason for the season. Last year, the main christmas gift I felt from God was about Grace... Grace to accept the imperfect, to not be overtly angry and sad with the world and with myself when we fail. This year, I hear the message of redemption. We are not just failed and crap... there is a redeeming power that allows us to be beautiful and have a purpose. The world is not all about despair, there is a sparkling reason to not stop trying despite its difficulties and failings.
Working this year has exposed me to the most hopeless situations. When there seems to be no way out and people do what they need to get what they want. With frog, i see that hopeless is not that hopeless when God is in it n when we continue faithful. I need to believe and trust it in my heart that the battle belongs to the Lord. We are already victorious, our role is to continue to fight this fight. To not give up but to continue trying...
Today I had a heated exchange with my sister. I don't normally lose my cool but I did. We talked abt church responsibilities. I think I lost it becos it is something very dear to me. God knows how much I want my life to be an offering to him. More than anything else in this world.
Anyway, Church. I think I disappointed many people. Of that I am sorry.. But I think also that my not wanting to disappoint people cannot be bigger than my want to be in God. There came a time when I really cannot keep up to it and it scares me. Call it whatever you wish, spiritual warfare, being irresponsible, leaving the straight and narrow... I cannot care. (You know I do but I can't.. because I can't live up to it)
I think I can talk about it now. Responsibilities in life cannot be draining, cannot be done out of the "goodness of our heart- charity". It needs to be done in JOY. (for the most times at least) I felt that way about things. I forgot why I did them and it made me sad. There was a finality in life that made life unbearable. I am not advocating a life of hedonism.. haha, that will be an alternative I am sure... I think that everyone needs to figure it out. But for me, I finally understood the verse in Romans (12:3), I remember being really baffled by it. (Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you)
Some of my thinkings with this.
1) Doing "God's work" be it in church and work does not make me a holier/better person. I almost want to say that it doesn't make God any happier just because you serve in church instead of warm the seat of His house, work in a Christian organization instead of working as an investment banker.
2) I am who I am not because of what I do. How I think of myself cannot be pegged with the horrible/amazing, mean/kind, selfish/altruistic works i do. This will make me very bitter if someone doesn't do the same, feel superior to them or feel important. The measure of faith - Faith to believe that God made me beautiful. Faith to do the works he would have me do not as a show for others, as a penance for my sins but rather as an expression of my faith/belief in him.
3) Faith is given to me. I cannot fake it. God decides how much faith he would bless me with. I am always a bit sad and scared when I read in the bible stuff like "God hardened his heart so His will will be shown"....But this is as it is. My role is really not to save the world, make the worship team sound better, play with the kids so that they become better kids. Yes there is free will. But there is also the fact that we have roles, callings that only when we fulfill them will we be happy. My role is to be do that which God has placed in my heart. Until I do that, the work I do will only be for the world.
Haha, I hope I make sense. I guess what I want to say is that I am done with telling myself that God would have me do this, that and everything else when I am really doing it is because I need to feel useful and have a purpose in this world. God made me me, I will not find my fulfillment in being busy in his work, but only in fulfilling my role.
Ouch, hard truths but this is where I was at. Right? Wrong? who knows... I am still finding God and struggle each day with what it means to be His child..
Happy Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus. See you in a month's time. With love and kindest wishes.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Another more timely and less bimbotic way to say... World Peace...but i do wish for those things that he sings for... Though i know it is easier said than done... Hmmm. oh well. like the song nevertheless. Boo!
Still struggling with the paper... you can see with the number of posts... My brain is not working fast enough!:)
Values is the core of us. It makes us who we are and why we do what we do. Please I need to see that it is not only the right thing to do in God's standard but also to be able to write a paper to say that it is the best thing to do...
Where reality and theory meets...
Bleah. rants while rushing the paper... :(
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
|You Should Be an Artist|
You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique.
No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing.
You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored.
As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful.
You do best when you:
- Can work by yourself
- Can express your personality in your work
You would also be a good journalist or actor.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Toads go croak croak.
Anyway why are you signed in on my laptop!
lalala. haircut lunchie.
inject some nonsense in this blog.
okay bleah boo bee. bees are everywhere!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
been thinking about it for the past days. Have been attending my classes about leadership and facing some work issue that in mind is grey. Leadership as the research goes, involves a lot of impression management and faking and doing the "right thing". Work has been a lot of doing as the bosses ask and being the perfect worker. Increasingly, I have been feeling challenged on the values lived out by the people i work with. This probably affects me more than the tangible things around me.
During these thought process, I came to the conclusion that the world can be as distressing as ever but what's important is that I know who i am and what is important to me and just be me in this big bad world... ...
So who am I? I like to do personality quizzes for fun. Therapeutic. Think tickle.com - what crayola crayon are you, what disney princess are you... (for the record, I am ariel.. little mermaid is great) but i think knowing that I am ariel is not going to help me to make me a better person. :) It's not going to help me to figure out the work issues and the stresses I face. neither does knowing what crayola crayon I am have a big impact I suspect... I read somewhere that the most holy thing i can do is to be me. This entails having a healthy self esteem and not always being in competition with the world. It is the most loving thing to do, to play my role in the grand scheme of things. However, what is me? Who am I? I am sure this can bring about a great philosophical debate abt the issue of identity and one of the recent cool phenomenon that was reported was the quarter life crisis.. haha. Well, this helps to re-emphasize the importance of identity to the way of life. Me thinks the cheapo answer to this question is I am a child of God. Cheapo indeed but also profound. What does being a child of God entail? What priviledges, struggles, imposing ideology.. cannot finish discussing it here. But what I know is that I have a life time to figure it out. When faced with a dilemma, i need to think: as a Child of God - what does that mean to me and how will that cause me to act?
This leads me to the next point. What is important to me? I watched a video on Margaret Tatcher last night who said something to the effect of know what is important to you and don't compromise on them. Another thing I watched was from Grey's anatomy and something that stuck was what izzy said. I tried to look it up a while back but couldnt find it.. so in peirong's version of it.. it says something to the effect of both. "I am both and I can be both. I am emotionally involved with the patients but I am also a professional doctor." (She was not talking about her fiance by the way... )
Wat is important to me? what are things that I stand up for and refuse to compromise? In all honesty I dunno. is s377 important to me for me to stand up on it as much as the repeal 377a folks? I dont think so for a myriad of reasons. I think that experiences are chanels in life that provides me an opportunity of self discovery, and also a choice to decide if I choose this to be something important enough for me to not compromise. If this holds through, only through life experiences do I learn what are the things that actually matter to me for me to stand up to it... (since i refuse to learn it the easier way by doing as I am told .... stubborn kid :P ) .... this is not to say I will not make bad choices. but rather, i will learn to be humble when that happens and not blame all that is around me or rationalise my choice in a self defensive way...
The world also teaches that we need to hide our emotions in order to do our work well. It works well for those women who have been blessed with not being emo but for me, a super big emo heart, that's like asking me to be somebody else... and I cannot be engaged, alive and real if I cannot be me... So, I am both, I am emotional at my work but I also do my work well. (I just suffer more that's all :) ) In this emo-ness, I will work through life experiences and fully savor the flavors that are offered...
At this point, I don't know much. I dont know who peirong really is and how she will turn out. She thinks she is still a work in progress... She claims to be a child of God and she will continue to endeavor to work it through. She will not shun life experiences but will figure out what's important to her. As of now, she knows that injustice is important to her. It angers her so much... not the people who create the injustice. But the effects of injustice on the lives of people... I have a very soft spot for the underdog..... (a friend was talking to me abt not caring about it. Need to learn to block it off.. but I think that I cant. I need to figure out how and what i can do about it since I will be sad about it.
The only thing i pray.. that what is important to me will always be that which is pleasing to God. ...... Dear God, do you like frog? I like frog. Thank you for being sovereign in this world. amen.
Good night... sleepy sleepy time.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Basically the life cycle of an employee's time with a company. Did all today. Sometimes, i feel a little stress that i have the power to mess up people's lives. Give them little salary becos i don't like their face, fire them because they are prettier than me... :)
Gotta work late tonight. Have much to accomplish. perhaps i will leave by 630.. something to the name of work life balance. hmmm.....
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Why so downcast O my soul... put your hope in God.
I am not sure what we were fed when we were children, or where the thinking gene comes from. But from my sister's blog as well as mine. We think a lot. haha, i have been considered strange and weird for my thinking and I don't blame anyone. But how did I end up llike that I wonder? Yes, I understand that I was made like that. But it is a lot of energy to live like that. A lot easier to just be more ditzy and just be. but i am not like that. however hard i try...
Anyway, the reason of my latest angst, which I am feeling in full propensity due to it being a certain time of the month, is due to me feeling completely helpless in this fallen world. Yes, I know I am not supposed to be anything else, but, I think that my principles have again been questioned. Questioned by those in authority and being compelled to assist with the game plan. Not that I have anything against the game plan, perhaps, it is the idea of the game plan that is getting to me. Why do we need to play games? Why cant we just be honest and sincere and do it as it is.
I told my sister thats one reason why I like frog. He is a honest animal despite all the circumstances around him that encourages his bendness.. even when it is a little bend, he chooses not to bend. I like the uprightness in character. Maybe one day when he bends, I will be done of my infactuation.
Back to games. I know that I have "gifts" that enable me to get away with many things, but that is not the point. I will need to know what is my stand. I have no clue. I don't know to what extend do i do as I am told and it is not just me being sensitive and not understanding how the working world works.
Hmmm. I am confused. i dont understand what i can give up as a perfect ideal that is not attainable in this imperfect fallen world.
Sad. I think that I have been constantly exposed to the grey with no clear cut answers.
Please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength to give it to you.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
After every time of exaltation, we are brought down with a sudden rush into
things as they really are, where it is neither beautiful, poetic, nor thrilling.
The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley,
but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God. We see His
glory on the mountain, but we never live for His glory there. It is in the place
of humiliation that we find our true worth to God— that is where our
faithfulness is revealed. Most of us can do things if we are always at some
heroic level of intensity, simply because of the natural selfishness of our own
hearts. But God wants us to be at the drab everyday level, where we live in the
valley according to our personal relationship with Him. Peter thought it would
be a wonderful thing for them to remain on the mountain, but Jesus Christ took
the disciples down from the mountain and into the valley, where the true meaning
of the vision was explained
"If you can do anything . . . ." It takes the
valley of humiliation to remove the skepticism from us. Look back at your own
experience and you will find that until you learned who Jesus really was, you
were a skillful skeptic about His power. When you were on the mountaintop you
could believe anything, but what about when you were faced with the facts of the
valley? You may be able to give a testimony regarding your sanctification, but
what about the thing that is a humiliation to you right now? The last time you
were on the mountain with God, you saw that all the power in heaven and on earth
belonged to Jesus— will you be skeptical now, simply because you are in the
valley of humiliation?
I like this. I dont like drugery. But i know it is beneficial. May everybody who is tired of everyday life be encouraged by this... I was.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
it was to prince charmings and happily ever afters..
to feeling sad about what could have been.
i said hello to life realities, the harshest words and the toughest gig.
I wondered where I was and why it is and what could have been and what i can do.
A treacherous way filled with thorns and a tunnel that seems grey and ugly.
I contemplated on reality and wondered how i could stay happy.
living in a fairy tale is living a lie, not what i think is what should be.
I asked for reprieve and i asked for reason and a little grace to aid in walking.
In my nostalgia today, I felt a little for the love we shared.
I am thankful for my found love, deeply entrenched in real tough realities;
but miss the innocence we once had shared.
my friend, my memory, my youth, my past, rekindle the spark in me today.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 02, 2007
:) PNG has been great. It really has. It has made me a lot more firm and assertive than I ever was. I can now say no to sales people without feeling bad.. (i did a facial where they tried to sign me up but i stood my ground and said I am sorry but I am not interested!) There are many things that I will remember, the sweet camaderie shared with colleagues who are in the same situation with you. Life is a lot more intense and acute when it is a limited period. It is a short time for many things to be accomplished.
The carved man is the wooden man that I have brought back from PNG. :) During one of the conversations we had, I accidentally slipped that I wanted a one kina man (equivalent to 30 US cents)... and this was the result of it. My one of a kind kina man... In a bid to make him more compatible with me, he is wearing my motar board and sitting on top of my book shelf... :) I think he is quite ugly though.. but if it is just 1 kina.. I cannot complain too much. The (wooden) man in my life
:) Many thoughts. Many learnings. I love life and I don't. It is amazing what I have been exposed too... yet so difficult to swallow as well. I spent the past few days contemplating all that has happened. I don't think I can ever make sense of it all. things that happen to people and to a society at large. The injustice caused by people, structures of power... it never fails to make me feel bounded and trapped... And yet I need to hold fast to the truth. The infallible and unmovable truth. That the battle belongs to the Lord and the winner has been made known.... However, this does not make it easier and the process still needs to happen. The war needs to be fought by the faithful soldiers who are willing to be drafted.... The difficulties, the lost fights, the lost people... will always be around. ...
Perhaps I may never know how to grapple with it all. In fact, I don't think I will. Life is tough, the earlier I accept it the less time I will spend wondering why it is the way it is. My role is to be a ready Jar of Clay.. probs the hardest thing to do but i have been again reminded that everything is God's. I am also reminded that he is my savior from my ownself.
So next week i pick myself up and restart this engine. I will remember that God has been very very good to me while i was away but I will contine to claim His goodness while I am at home. I will not do anything as a form of escape but will be happy with what I have now. :) So, Peirong is going to enjoy the next few days of her leave and then start work again with all the energy to do that which she needs to do.
Let's go for a meal people. or better still, let's go for a workout. I am totally unfit now and it is not good... I m thankful for the simple worship service i went for today. Nthg to ostentatious or too crap. It was a good simple.
Everything is strange and weird.. choose what strange and weird u can accept.
Hugs!!! love, me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Today is a matter of cleaning up my work. Where does one start? My table still looks like I will be here forever. Chocolates, money, tons of papers etc. Haha, messy girl I am… So before the close of business today, I will need to somehow pack this mess, work through and finalize the policies, sit through meetings on goodness know what and then sit through my own farewell. Haha, it all feels very surreal.
So, I have been thinking that life is a process. I am from the microwave instant generation that wants everything NOW!!! J This rarely really happens. Everything takes time to happen… One needs to prepare for it. Even if Jesus comes like a thief in the night, the result of his visit is the result of processes of preparation. Of time spent to be like Jesus…
Foundations are important. I spent a lot of time here building up on foundations. Reviewing forms, explaining processes and just making sure that things work. It has been quite a treat to see it come together. Often the process is a lot more treacherous that the result… But processes needs to be enjoyed and celebrated as well.. Life is one process of becoming like Jesus…
During my time here, I spent time in Vanuatu (Port Vila), the Solomon Islands (Honiara) and Papua New Guinea (both in Madang and Port Moresby). These are all names of places for an outsider but with each carry a different memory that is precious to me. I have decided that traveling for work is very different from traveling for leisure. My mind has been constantly on the job and how I keep running against the flow of time… Haha, but I am not complaining for these opportunities…. During time off, what I do is the normal stuff like watching tv, eating good food with good people all just catching up by myself, time to just do my own stuff.
So, it is time to go home. I had a few of those home sick pangs where I listen to Michael Buble “Home” .. “I know I am lucky, but I want to go home….”. I have spent a large part of the past 6 months living in hotel rooms. Sounds fun you say but there is no soul in hotel rooms. It is all a clone of each other meant for the wandering traveler. Sure you can be friends with the hotel stuff which I am… “Good morning Ms Lin”… but I know better than to build a bond that stretches further than an acquaintance. Having said that, life as an anonymous person has been fun. That is probably the biggest joy and challenge in living overseas. You are not accountable to anyone which means no one to ensure that you walk on the straight and narrow… Being away takes away all the societal norms that we conform just because… there are no real reasons other than it is socially right to do so… With that aside, what remains is between you and God. What would you do when nobody is watching and you can do absolutely what you want…This is where is gets scary. Every decision that is made is a conscious one. It cannot be blamed on the society or on someone else who does it. Greater responsibility is needed and greater grace is sought. I will forever be a failed human trying my best to just be God’s daughter.
I was telling my colleague/friend that PNG has been a letting Go and letting God experience in that I didn’t strive to have it. It just happened. There was no scheming and manipulation for it to happen. To a certain extent, I was just happy to be available for the need that is there. I have learnt again and again that God’s way is the best way. It is the quiet way that happens if I allow it too…
I will miss it here with all the intensity that it was presented with. God is good and He loves us in his surprising strange ways…
Teach me to always be in the refuge of your wings
To not be in fear or in doubt
To know that you are a God of peace
A God that loves A God of Joy
Pain and suffering will come and go
Time will slowly ebb away
But your gracious ways will always be shown,
Through laughter, tears joys and fear.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I have flown 5 hrs, transitted for 3 hours and am finally on my last leg on my way to get to Vanuatu.. Vanuatu is an island paradise, poorer cousin of fiji i believe and yes, there is a World Vision office there...
Airports make me mildy sad and lonely...so many different occasions i can remember of me crying in an airport... haah. strange woman i know...
Anyway, I had my first brush with death in PNG. Ok, not death, not that extreme.... but crime perhaps... On the 1st July, I decided that I wanted to go check out the sunrise in port moreby on the 1st day of the 2nd half of the year.. I sort of asked my colleague who is quite crazzy abt sunrises to go with me.. We decided to drive to go to a vantage point... Somehow. we found ourselves in a settlement (place where people stay) and there must be grumpy people there... They saw the car and signaled for us to stop... we thought they were trying to tell us that we were going against the flow of traffic and so started to turn around... As we drove, this people started chasing after us....Mike my colleague asked me to drive faster while he smiled at this people, trying to keep the mood positive.. Suddenly out of no where, I hear the glass shatter beside me and Mike going, just drive fast..... Hmmm, they threw a stone at us and broke the class.. there was also a mob of people running behind us.. we drove... and thankfully, did not kill anyone driving down... That was scary.. what happens if they caught up with us ? I hear that they will surely take the car and secondly, errr. if desperate enough, rape me.. haha. Thank God nothing like this happens...
Post trauma - I can understand why people are fearful of criminals. duh... but being the strange peirong, I wonder what the motivation is. fear and lack is such a big motivator... It is so easy to be angry with them.. I was mildly moody cos of that and wanted to go home really badly. trauma, stress and pms does that to me...
anyway my point is sometimes, there are bigger forces than us that makes us do stuff. Are we strong enough to stand up to such pressures and still preserve our integrity. What is integrity? Sometime last week, I was greatly challenged on why I do what I do... Hmmm, what constitutes right and wrong... Importance of Motivation. while our actions can always be misunderstood, miscontrued and manipulated... what is lasting is the reason for doing it.
May my motivations always be honest and true.
Lotsa love from Sydney from love sick peirong! haha. (ps, doesnt help that it is in the middle of winter and i am wearing summer clothes, totally slipped my mind i needed my jacket since i am transitting...)
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
So many learnings, experiences and thoughts to process and articulate. While fighting against the race of time, I am truly thankful for the opportunities availed to me and also for the people in my life who show me that God is good and His mercies endures forever.
Arrived today and was actually quite excited about everything. I like PNG more than Bangkok, haha, I think that there a lot less people here in PNG making it less crazy… I have not put up pictures of png… Hmmm, but in words, think hills, waters, blue skies. It does look like paradise and people are really nice. Well for the most part at least. I am staying in the same place that I did the last time and it was really nice and personable saying hi to all the hotel staff. Office staff were quite nice too. Had fun talking to them. But after a while I got really sleepy. I thank God that I slept quite a bit on the plane and sat beside some rich Singaporean who has many investments in PNG. Haha, I was initially apprehensive about sitting beside him cos he kept giving me the stare… Oh well, thankfully, it turned out alright.
So, I came back to the hotel to sleep in the afternoon. Wanted to take one day to chill and then I will slowly push up the gears again. The senior management in the office are not around and so, this week will not be toooooo stressful which is good. I need a little break. I realized that I did miss it here while away. Not quite sure if it is the sweet camaraderie that I share with the staff here, the paradise like place or the fact that I feel free, knowing that my main task is do my job well.
The past few months have been quite crazy in all sense of the word. My family is experiencing individual challenges and also the collective challenge of moving home. Everyone has a role at home. Mine is being the happy toy. While I have no issues with this role for the most part, tt can get very trying and frustrating at times, like it or not. God has called me to this family that I love. At work, I feel stretched beyond measure. Yes, I am highly thankful for the opportunities and am in fact quite humbled by it. But its immense volume and the depth of human relations do get to me too. I thank God that there was a positive heads up with my bosses… had a significant raise lately.
Was talking to a good friend and he said that I cannot let myself slip despite my work and all. Was thinking about it… people lose themselves in many different ways; Dogmatism, hedonism and workaholicism are just some of the more common ones. Some decide that they will no longer exercise choices and preferences but would instead follow rules and regulations blindly, some give up on these rules and do as they wish, doing whatever pleases them. The last group mentioned decides that the only “good” thing that they can do that makes any sense is their work and so they give of themselves totally to their work.
I have been recently more guilty of working my life away. World Vision (or any other organization) would encroach in your whole entire life if you allow it too. I think that I have allowed it too. It is in my personality that I like blurry lines in my life. It reinforces the want to be just me and not have different facets of me depending on the situation that I am in. Anyway, I think that I may have reached a point where I actually have to draw a boundary. (BOO) I have in the past months walked into more doors and walls that I normally walk into (literally) due to fatigue and I have also lost my atm card as well as my drivers’ license. L Oh, and I have put on significant amount of weight on my tummy that I will endeavor to shed while in PNG. (Good luck to me though, dinner tonight was a big pizza all to myself. Hmmm) So, obviously, this busy-ness is not very sustainable…
Yup, life is not easy. Though I may be making it a little harder than it should be. But I have grown to accept the fact that God has made me with all my complications, contradictions and weaknesses and has said that this is good. (Strange) Someone in Bangkok said I was ambitious earlier last month and I was quite taken aback. Ambitious has never been something I would use to describe myself. Hmm, funny. In fact, I have increasingly been feeling that I will be happy to give up everything for some random man that has swept me of my feet such that I can happily stay at home and take care of my 4 children. (instant children? Faster…) J Sweet abandonment. Haha, Oh well. Wishful thinking I know considering that at this point in time. I am at peace with the world and so, by default; I know that this is where I should be at this point in time. No random man but rather random work popping up at different points!
Ok then, getting late and I should really sleep soon. Take care of yourself and thank you for your time for those I managed to catch up very briefly with. This year has turned out quite different from what I thought it would be like. Honestly, I had no high expectations of this year and it has exceeded expectations. May God continue to use this vessel who seeks with all her heart to make Him happy.
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
The dying, the cripple, the mental,
the unwanted, the unloved
they are Jesus in disguise.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow has not yet come.
We have only today.
Let us begin.
Little things are indeed little,
but to be faithful in little things is a
It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.
Nakedness is not only for a piece of clothing;
nakedness is lack of human dignity,
and also that beautiful virtue of purity,
and lack of that respect for each other.
There is a terrible hunger for love.
We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness.
We must have the courage to recognize it.
The poor you may have right in your own family.
Before you speak,
it is necessary for you to listen,
for God speaks in the silence of the heart.
Speak tenderly to them.
Let there be kindness in your face,
in your eyes, in your smile,
in the warmth of your greeting.
Always have a cheerful smile.
Don't only give your care,
but give your heart as well.
If you are humble nothing will touch you,
neither praise nor disgrace,
because you know what you are.
Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened
by any failure as long as you have done your best.
There is only one God and He is God to all;
therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God.
I've always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu,
a Muslim become a better Muslim,
a Catholic become a better Catholic.
If we really want to love
we must learn how to forgive.
If we pray, we will believe;
If we believe, we will love
If we love, we will serve.
We can do no great things;
only small things with great love.
Only in heaven will we see how much we owe to the poor
for helping us to love God better because of them.
- Mother Teresa
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
So, we will start with the obvious. Port Moresby is quite a pretty place. I live opposite a beach called Ela Beach and my hotel room has one queen bed as well as a single. I can sleep 3 people comfortably. I have learnt that if I sleep right in the middle of the queen bed, I am quite happy to be sleeping alone in this big room…Breakfast is either weet bix or the restaurant downstairs. Things here aren’t cheap but besides food and drinks, there is really nothing much to spend on.
Work here is in a big container. It never fails to remind me that you don’t need much to work with. What exactly am I doing here? I am trying to establish the foundations of the HR infrastructure. Things like having policies in place, setting up internal equity within jobs in the office here and I have come to learn, to be a smiley face to neutralize the negative vibes in this office…
Yes, this office is quite negative. Good leadership is not over rated. It is really important. I cant even begin to emphasize it. This is a big bad world. I have seen that aid can be manipulated. It is not always altruistic in aim. People aren’t nice. This is, at the end of the day, a fallen world filled with fallen people. I wished all countries had good governments. But what is good? At each stage, a country is faced with a different set of issue. In a developing country, you can have issues like high infant mortality, low employment, low gdp but what about a developed country? Divorces, low economic growth and aging population, people are dysfunctional too… Are they necessary better than those of a developing country? Each day I learn that Christ is the answer. I wish I can shout it out. I want my actions to reflect that. Love your neighbour as yourself… This means, don’t be jealous if one is better than self. Be thankful about somebody else’s joy. It’s amazing how many social ills is the result of jealously, mistrust and anger. This extends not only to individuals but departments, organizations and nation states.
Well. It is not all that bleak. I went for service with one of the local staff here for Easter Service. It blessed my heart so much I thank God for it. The message was about the reason for Easter. I am always in awe when I see very diverse people groups all loving God. I think that it defies self-perseverance. But without God we are nothing. Nothing. Money, fame, status cannot give us anything… and somehow people forget that when they become more affluent. This church was in the middle of a settlement. They aren’t rich. Christ is their all and that’s sweet. I love Jesus. J
What else is there to say. I have learnt that Life is a pageant. You just need to choose which pageant you want to take part in. Indecision is not a choice. In a way, I think the Christian faith teaches us to make rational decisions. I see beauty in commitment. The Christian faith shows us principles in decision making. Hmm, each day I learn to be more light hearted and to live more freely: to learn that everything is permissible (while not everything is beneficial). God has been good and is going to continue to be good. May His goodness continues to transcend the evilness from this world.
Time to start my work. Much of those left. God Bless!!!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Ok, perhaps it is not that bad, BUT imagine coming to the office at 8 in the morning and reading through your emails with a title “Home Sold”, and the next day another that says “no staircase”… Haha, I am a contradiction. If I were in PNG (which I am at) I will never complain about my living conditions.. why then do I feel so much about this? I don’t quite understand.
I am FINE… Not dying yet. PNG is treating me well. I have company, a new staff who is staying in the same hotel as me. It was nice to see him happy yesterday… yes, it is a HE… but really, doesn’t mean anything… He is an uncle la… Reminds me of the movie the holiday where Kate Winslet hung out with the old man.. hehe. I like that… Anyway, we spoke about fun, I want to go out and have some fun. Don’t want to be an eeyore, want to be a tigger….
Have had beers everyday for the last week. Jiamin says that will make me fat…maybe I will not eat so the net effect is the same? Yesterday was a super rough day, so many people issues here. I walked out of the office, sat in the hut outside and started praying for the staff here… I am only 23.. don’t take my youth away… I feel like Adam and Eve after they eat the apple, I have lost the innocence and I can’t have it again. This sounds quite drama.. sorry, need to rant... I need to start working on my Job Descriptions. Dying. Due at 1pm for the meeting and I have not finished it yet. And I am meeting with all the Directors in this office. Time to focus and not speak to anyone.
Sad. Stressed. Bring back oh bring back my housie to me…. Sorry for no complete sentences. Time to go back to work. Muack.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
I am flying away in 2 days time.. I am quite psyched by it. But yet at the same time equally spooked and terrified. The reason why I like to travel often is because after a lull period.. it is that much harder to go somewhere that may seem to be more backward, the horror stories becomes scarier in contrast to the complacent life I have led here in Singapore... Hmmm, a contradiction between wanting to roam and be useful and being fearful and wanting to stay in my little secure bubble... ... oh well, I should be fine.
This week, I was a little overwhelmed by another rude shock of reality.. Adultery. Haha, you must be going.. HUH?!? But yup, it was brought very close to me this week, work or leisure...
Was readin the pilot's wife this week. questions like : How do you really know someone? What is love? The difference between being in love vs loving someone... I don't particulary like that book, but must finish what you started.. so.. yup.
So,in my contemplation about adultery, I was surfing the web and I came across a matchmaking website for extra marital affairs... below is one "post" that I took from there...
Waiting to be swept off my feet! I am a well educated attractive lady with a witty sense of humour and fun. I am currently married although the relationship has past the stage of passion and excitement, sadly we are living almost as best friends. I do not wish to leave my husband, nor do I wish for the right applicant to jeopardise my current relationship, discretion is an absolute must. I am 39 years old, of slim build and keep myself in trim by walking my faithful dog Sascha, and going to the gym. I am searching for the right man to fulfil my dreams of passion, sex, and witty conversation. Ideally the right candidate will be mature, confident, self sufficient and in a similar set of circumstances to myself. I prefer older men who know how to treat and respect women, I am a little old fashioned at heart. I await your reply if I do not seek you out first!
I find this quite disturbing.. on many fronts really. The thought that the man you choose to marry will not be able to satisfy you such that you need to resort to this is quite woah....though i can empathise that when you are with somebody for a while, the novelty will be lost and with it feelings of euphoria.... And then there is the need to think of your partner.keeping it discrete doesnt make it any easier. In fact, it may crush a person even more when the truth comes out. I am a firm believer that word gets around.. nthg is really a secret. haha.
And there is the sanctity of Marriage that you would have defiled. I am of the opinion that it is very scared as it is a covenant that you have made infront of your God and your friends/family. (maybe that's why it spooks me greatly)With adultery, it is not just the marriage bed in question, but the choice to walk out of the covenant. It is an intentional act that constitutes deceit, lust, desire, want of something you don't have....
I am not being at all judgmental. In fact, I feel as fallible. As able to do something like that. Society does not stigmatise it as much as it used to. I am very inclined towards novelty... very inclined towards searching for the perfect moment... as such, I feel like this is not beyond me..Grace of God is what I seek.
Yup, enough of such talk.. Mawwiage.. it is too young to talk about it... May God always shine his protection and grace on us...
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
(girls go crazy in Bangkok)
(Almost complete Family bliss)
(A reluctant smile from my brilliant brother)
Hmmm, they say a picture speaks a thousand words.. Random pix of my sis's camera... One of those rare moments when I m using the family com.. It is the season of moving house again....May God grant us the strength and serenity once again...
While waiting for photos to load.. I noticed i am looking different. Think my eyes are tired from the harsh realities of this world.. It has grown smaller and less sparkly. :( Don't think any beauty product is going to help with that... Hopefully the sparkle will return. hee i sound vain. :)
Watched little miss sunshine today. I liked it, though I don't understand how the grandad could win the academy when he didnt act in the whole show..
Shows nowadays are getting to close for comfort, discussing the painful issues in life. Perhaps they always do, but I am feelin it acutely more so now.
Think I need to sleep now. it is 1247. Think I need to continue with my be happy plan. It is a hard endeavor.
Been thinking abt God, church, wisdom, life, work, basically just about anyting. Need to be learning the art of joyful surrender.
haha, i joined california fitness. need to go for it now. STRESS. MAT, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!! :P
:) Random post in the middle of the day! Have a great week.
Monday, March 05, 2007
It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot.
The sky is still black. The world is still asleep.
The day is coming. In a few moments the day will arrive.
It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun.
The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day.
The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race.
The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.
For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands.
It is now that I must make a choice.
Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose.
And so I choose.
I choose love ..
No occasion justifies hatred;
No injustice warrants bitterness.
I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.
I choose joy ...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical... the tool of the lazy thinker.
I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God.
I will refuse to see any problems anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I choose peace ...
I will live forgiven.
I will forgive so that I may live.
I choose patience ...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.
Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so.
Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray.
Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I choose kindness ...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
Kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I choose goodness ..
I will go without before I take dishonest gain.
I will be overlooked before I will boast.
I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose goodness.
I choose faithfulness ..
Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust.
My associates will not question my word.
My wife will not question my love.
And my children will never fear that father will not come home.
I choose gentleness ..
Nothing is won by force.
I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I choose self-control ... I am a spiritual being.
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal.
I choose self-control.
I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek His grace.
And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow and rest.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Openness To Experience
|You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. Stressful and frustrating situations can often be upsetting to you, but you are sometimes able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.|
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Tuesday, February 13, 2007
To my valentine who is super fine,
I thank you for 4ever being mine.
Smiling, crying laughing and eating,
Being together-we become the best human being.
I love your smile, your frown and your burp,
My valentine,I'll be your clown and hear you slurp.
Be mine today, tomorrow and the day after
cos with you i know we'll live happily ever after
You asked once why we needed valentine's day
to experience love extraordinary ways....
It's a chance to show you my fondest affection,
and also to remind you of love's strange attraction.
I like you, i heart you, i love you, i need you,
My valentine, my sweetie, my precious, my boo!
Iwill be yours on this special valentine's day,
and every other - come what may!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
How does one determine if one is more evil than the other. How does one decide one's actions towards the forces of evil? Crash was particulary poignant because it had the element of good intentions but bad results.. Motives and intentions are not enough sometimes... Actions need to be grounded on these motives and not be swayed by feelings of fear, guilt, shame.
I guess I can go on about how evil-ness is very prevalent, but we all already know that. So the question now will be what are you going to do about it? Join a social activist club? Was thinking sometime back that being a model is at the top of the food chain, you get to wear pretty clothes without paying for it, you get men at your backs doing exactly what you want... hahaa, and one day I got a bit less shallow... I realised that clothes was not all that mattered:P though this was only drilled into me after joining the pagaent that had the tagline "beauty with a purpose"... it is all dreamy enough for me to go for it.. haha, but with sleazy management and sleazy videos and cheapo bird nest's endorsement where an old uncle's vote was all that mattered... Next, no more just lookin like a pretty face.:)
So, I continued on my quest to find that one thing that would give me the leverage to help make things better. The more i journey, the more i realise that perhaps what i am looking for is not that tangible.. living in a world that is interdependent, there will always be one that is higher than the other, depending on the slant you wish to look from. Riches are important. Sure, but what are the powers of darkness that holds this rich men (it is highly plausible that I am beling sour grapes here hence saying that being rich is just a good thing and not a must have...:P ), also, what is it about this richess that enables the person to be better than his poorer neighbour? His connections? His $$$? or possibly his nurture...
Anyway, I digress. The point I am trying to make is that I am slowing feeling that I am now of the mind that perhaps it is an inner quality that I am looking for... An inner quality that despite prevailing circumstances, results in survival and goodness. Sure this is not rocket science and many people have already figured this out... look at the number of man-made millionaires, rags to riches stories...But I am thinking about more than that. How does one use this inner quality for good?
Recently, I have been reflecting on what it means to be a NGO worker. Partly because of the angst I feel about how I am compensated, this makes me wonder if I am really contributing to making this world a better place with my present role? In the NGO front, therein too lies power and control issues and forces of evil. Sure it is a Christian organization,but it is also fallen men who are running it. With falleness comes pride, the need to succeed,recognition and esteem. There is no running away from it. My good friend wrote me an email of encouragement yesterday regarding our good work in another part of this region. Perhaps I should not care soo much about my role per se, but that good work is done, regardless of how fast or slow it is.. That is not for me to question as much.. Yes, I am all for excellence. But this drive for excellence cannot result in a selfish ambition.
As I continue to ponder about the good, bad and ugly... there is a place for pondering and a place to do something about it.. It is my prayer that I will find that place to make a difference, not for myself, but for the betterment of another.
Teach me to be less of myself and more of You.
To love your grace and compassion for others more than for
Thank you for your goodness, grace and faithfulness.
May hope continue to dwell in my heart as I walk through life.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
................maybe i will get married one day...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I realised that its been a while since I updated my blog. It is my bid to be more transparent. in the silly mind of mine, I am thinking that if i post some of my thoughts up, I will feel more accountable to live the life that I want just cos I have the whole world wide web to keep me accountable... It enables me to be me without worrying if I am hurting another fellow human being. well, I try not to at least but sititng behind my cubicle, I feel like I am not as "lethal", haha.
So, I need to post photos on my trip. Over Christmas, I went to Malaysia with my family. We did a tour and so I did a lot of sleeping on the very comfy seat. It must be a ploy..to keep the seats all cushy so that we will not complain about the long distances. It was nice to travel with family though my parents are growing older, less alert and requires more looking after. Such is the circle of life.
Before the new years', I flew to Chiang Mai and traveled ard thailand. Many times I just go to Bangkok, wanted to see what the rest of Thailand looks like. :) So, I went to Chiang Mai, Kanchanaburi and ended up at Krabi. Hee, that was quite an adventure. I love holidays..the 24 hrs feels so much more utilised. Like in the morning, i find myself in the middle of nowhere on a bus and in the evening, I am doing something entirely different. I am quite a happy wanderer.. really am. :) I enjoy meeting fellow travellers who are on the road forever just doing their thing. I think subconsciously in me, that's what I want to do. Perhaps they have got it right? Life is a journey, enjoy the ride wherever you are, when its time, move on.... :P
So, some highlights of my trip includes New Years' Eve. I lit up a lamp that flew up into the sky (think hot air balloon physics).. however, before letting it go, i did not let enough air in so it got caught on the wire cable.. :( Needless to say, it sank into the long kang (drain) in front of me... God must be good though, while just enjoying the moment (both good and bad), some random person asked if I would like to light another and so I managed to let my wish, greeting to God rise to heaven. Hee, that moment, I felt just that bit closer to God...
River Kwai and the bridge. Was there with another good friend. It is nice to rekindle friendship, spend those sweet moments catching up and making new memories. Hee, I must have taken like 100 photos of the bridge at different angles. :) Besides the bridge, I went to a war cemetary and also some other museums. It is revisit of one's history. In school we were thought abt the death railway and so it sounds like a good idea to go check it out. :) Sleepy town with bridge.. i like it!
Krabi. haha, i think the trip there was way more epic than the time i spent there. I took a train, sat at the sleepers fan section as I wanted to save some money... It was nice to be in the middle of the locals and do as they do. As they say... When in rome, do as the romans do! :) hee, the train was obviously delayed (welcome to Thailand) and after the ride that lasted 11 hrs, was whisked into a bus that brought us to the pier (for those going to Ko Samui) and there we took another bus to krabi town. the total bus ride took abt 3.5 hrs!... haha. by the time i reached krabi, i was just thankful i was in one piece and i have arrived :)
At krabi, I snorkelled, felt like a big bait, watched the world go by and watch the world go by somemore.. Oh, I fell asleep watching liverpool lose.. not the most exciting. haha. :)
I do enjoy visiting new different places and being a little like a fish out of water. I crave the sense of life involved and the need to be kept on ones toes. Perhaps the thing I dont like the most is when I am viewed as a piece of meat. I can deal with being alone, with reading maps *gasps*, with making new friends.. but I am still not good with fending away advances.. this is when I feel like i should just buy myself a ring to "ward off evil", though my friend said that the only thing i would ward away would be the decent company.. bummer.
So, now I am back to my real world. To facing datelines, doing work that while I care enough about and know that God would have me do my best,it is not what I would otherwise choose to do.. paperwork. haha. After posting this, I feel like posting my photos too. ok..., will do that on another I-really-dont-feel-like working day.. hee. In the meantime, may God grant me the grace to work. grant me a greater propensity to love and accept people as they are....
Hmmm, I want to change my blog skin. So many things I want to do.. though the most impt would be to slowly pack and sort out my life. 2006 was a yr of challenges, may God continue to work in 2007. In Christ alone will I glory.