Friday, October 28, 2005

the need to be understood....

Maslow Hierachy of needs.... basic needs, safety needs, esteem needs and finally self actualization needs. I wonder where the need to be understood lies in that. The knowledge that somebody out there gets the drift. Truly understand why I do what I do, why I think the way I do and after all that, say that its okie. I wil walk through it with you... But it is strange that in Corinthians.. God does not say that Love is Understanding. Hmm. maybe it is not.. God did say in Isaiah that His ways are higher than our ways.. n that without faith, it is impossible to please God.. so understanding.. hmmm. how does that fit in? Pray it will occur to me someday.

I like talking to old people.. I think that they have a wealth of knowledge wisdom that only comes with age.. and good stories to share too.. Thank God for few of them in the office. Okie, not too old. but old enough to be my dad. haha. well. most in the office are so.. hmm.. wad am i talking about. Yup.. on the subject of the office. I hear people teasing my married colleague because we are always seen together... hmm. cant decide how i feel about that... hmm. amused.. aiyah.. why you all so gossipy leh?... whats wrong with me?.... sigh.. whine. I don't like it that I am happier to talk to guys. I mean I love my girlie friends with all my heart. hahaha. they know who they are.. but for the strangest reason. I always feel the need to "protect" look out for them and all. Also that I tend to be the "taller" one makes me compelled to take the motherly role and take care of them... Yup. we shall blame it on height... Sigh.. whatever it is for some weird reason, I really honestly think that I tend to be more conversant where talking to guys... Hmm. is that bad? I bad.. how then? What to do? sigh.. I should learn to be quiet. hmm.

Recently, learnt about Robert Frost. American Poet. He wrote a Poem about God's garden.. printed it out and put it in my cubicle...hee.. Poems are so fun. They are sooooo many emotions packed in 1 sentence.. Hard to decipher.. but it is a gift.. Dear Lord, will you grant me more gifts? So that I can continue to be a blessing to those around me.. I think that I am drawn to colours and pictures than to the words itself...Hmm. I am goiing to be in the wilderness tomorow. Hopefully can spend lots of time with my Lord. just being still and appreciating all that He has made.
Going to sleep soon.Good night world... will you not rain tom and not be too harsh to me?... I am still learning only...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

:( Quarter life crisis

okie i worked myself into a major frenzy. too many different emotions all welled up in me. In a flux. Argh. and i thought that I am done with this crap when I finished being a teenager. I tell myself that each struggle will be the last that I will live through it a more victorious, better person. Gosh I can't see that now. muddy waters.. what is clear? what makes sense? I cant be like that for too long. it is so not healthy. Debilitating effects on self esteem.. but I guess its good.. Cos God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. :(

Sacrifices of things i wanna do.. for wat is deemed the right thing.:( Well. I must be happy with the alternative. Must give it my best shot.

"Be still and know that I am God"

"Dude. you don't solve life.. you live it.. when the dreams wears off, you will have to live day to day.." -some person in Ed.

Confused? ya. me too. welcome to my life today. Hopefully sleep will be restful tonight.

"Please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength to give it away to you"

Monday, October 24, 2005

What is the one thing you dislike the most?

1) Anger 2)Pain 3)Dissapointment 4)Imperfection

These are top favourites. but i think that my number 1 of this will be goodbyes.

Goodbye to people who die.. In the office last week, was talking to my colleague and we incidentally talked about deaths.. well indirectly but still:) He was like I don't f***ing care if people die.. they do so all the time....
But i do. I do care for people who leave.. though i wished i didn't. Save me from a lot a lot of pain, but what can I do, God made me me.. So I don't like it when people die.. though I know I will see them again.

Goodbye to good friends leaving. Well.. I still think it nice to have the blessings of passing by friends.. people you know leave a little of themselves (in wisdom, silliness, idiocyncracies)... but when you do something,... you will rem that moment you shared.. though transient and fleeting. I remember going for a brownies camp when i was 12.. 12 (the age where you are suppose to just have fun and not care about other people's feelings)... When it was time to leave, I kind of cried the whole bus ride back.. i think that i must have looked mad.. I feel so too. but the thought of not seeing them again... that sux. hahaha:) yeap. I have always been sensitive.

Goodbye to the special one.. I tried.. for the longest time.. haha. in Peirong's terms at least (though honestly.. heh.. it is rather short).. but.. thumbs up for the girl who tried!:) Anyway.. was geared to thinking that somethings can't be salvaged... we should learn to let go when the time is appropriate and not force for the impossible.. Yup.. And that was painful.. I m crap at goodbyes.though i am happy to say that things are looking up.!! hee. I am actually not that hard to placate.. really. a hug does the trick.. okie. maybe not... but a hug, a look of love.. and a hot chocolate.. thats the lethal combination. hahahaha:) ya.. so we are on the road to recovery.. though it be windy and hard..

Back to goodbyes. I think that I have inadvertantly build a protective layer over myself as i don't want to be left sad after somebody leaves. Hmm. not the best way to live.. I know i know.. One needs to be vulnerable in order to love.. n love is not only the Lord's command to us, it is a many splendid thing.. yup. so I need to somehow shed that layer around me and love... though goodbyes are painful.

Hmm. so why are goodbyes painful besides the obvious that Peirong is sensitive and all? I think that it has something to do with the fact that God has set eternity in our hearts.. and when there is eternity, there is no more good byes.. 'it is eternity. however mind boggling....

hmmm. so i said goodbye to my friend that came to visit. It was fun!:) to say the least. fun to not have to be too intentional with being many things.. to have good quality time looking at porcupines, leopards and tigers..., to see you interact with different people and to have you visit a new church with me... May God bless you with your find for the pretty girl or the ability to see inner beauty and go for it though the absence of external beauty.. just kidding..

Goodbyes are sad. but hopefully not forever.. maybe we willl meet again, when our paths cross and God has more wise things to say to me through you again!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

My day...

Can't think of a better title.. so it will be what it is.. my day. Well.. nothing out of the ordinary.. I was feeling terribly ill yesterday. Almost puked and turned white on my way home from work.. Was going to meet Ben but decided that I needed to sleep. So i feel asleep at 9pm yesterday.

Anyway.. I couldnt wake up today.. but finally dragged self out of bed.. went to the hotel to pass stuff to people and then off to the office... Packed and packed and packed today.. I think that today was not a very productive day.. Spent too much of it packing. Oh.. i did some msning too.. ehehe

Somewhere between packing and joking with colleagues.. Suddenly felt this sense of loss again. :( I think that an idle mind is really the devil's workshop.. hmm. essentially when not focussed in what i need to do.. Drift and wonder about other stuff... Went home in tears. Will things change for the better? little girl just wants a prince.. knight in shining armour. :( wake up slap slap.

went to teach tuition to my little boy.. taught him how to spell one to ten.. Times like these i am amazed that i can construct sentences.. wow the amount of time and effort in education actually has a use.... hmm. anyhow. just a thought.

Highlight of my day.. Spent time with my beloved friend.. We had a good workout.. I went swimming and she running. haha.. then after that.. hot chocolate! :) oh.. and lots of talking. hee.... Love her man. At one stage of time.. she was my favourite friend. hahaaha.. when friends mean the world to oneself.. and through time.. people mellow.. other things become important... people change.. i think the way we relate to each other is interesting.. hmmm..yup. but I love her lots:) Thank you Lord for her.. Had good comforting girlie time with her!:)Watching chip chip chip and dale now.. i like it... :) it reminds me of yesterday.. when our troubles seem so far away.. hahaha.
yes yes it is time to sleep.

Okie. thank you Jesus for life. teach me to appreciate it!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

... i am slow with photos.

hahha. just thought it be nice to post some photos.. More recent ones are in my camera.. so thought I would post some Beijing ones.. In light of my colleague's visit there soon..:)

Somehow i like this photo.. Not sure why, it feels like the whole world in her hands. hahahaa.btw.. this is Hong Kong, not Beijing. Went there with Family first before a stopover to Beijing to visit my friend.. My forth time in HK.. though I think i will be heading there soon. Cause I wanna see disneyland!hee.

Random photo of a spoilt fire hydrant.. Thought it was quite funny.. this was in the middle of the busy shopping place at Tsim Sha Tsui.. people were just walking past.. and some others like me.. were like.. hey look.. snap snap!:)

Hmmm. why can't life be like that everyday? Picture of a man with his little vehicle (use to ferry people).. think he was fishing, looking at the world go by. I think that there is a certain romantic charm in the capital of China!

In the name of freedom...At what cost?

After walking for the longest time.. A seat in the way to go! Walked through tiannanmen square, entrance of the forbidden palace etc

.. A long long way up to the top! The majestic Great Wall.... We went there via the local train.. and experience in itself!

The chinese saying goes.. Not a good person till you climb the greatwall! The chinese words behind read: good person valley... So there you go! I am officially a good person!:P

OKie, I am in need of a new vacation.. New experiences, memories! :) till then.. pictures of Beijing!..

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Do you believe in fairies

I am captivated by novelty, innocence, freshness, newness..I am determined to be a child at heart... But as I work, interact with more adults (unlike children,youth, contempories).. this is getting much harder. Herein comes cynical adults whose favourite activities are to complicate simple matters, to over sophisticate what is a simple thing... Yup. so what I am trying to say is that it is hard.. and Peter Pan was a nice timely reminder.

The point of Peter Pan is that life without belief is dead. A brief synopsis. Captain Hook kinda said he didnt believe in fairies and the fairies died one at a time.. and without fairies.. the whole of neverland will be no more.. Yup. SO Peter Pan had to have captain Hook believe in fairies again and then all is pretty and neverland will continue to exist. Peter Pan is the adult who is determined to live a free life.enjoy building things up(Building Wendy a place).. Not one where time(the ticking aligator) has made cynical...He has a belief that kinds of centers his life.. Yup,. and Captain Hook is a pirate, a baddie whose favourite activity is to steal/disturb that which does not belong to them. Yup, who is made grumpy, the way he is,. defined by his hook.. which is caused by the ticking aligator.. haha (the cruelty of time)

Yup.. So.. I wanna continue to believe. Not in fairies or gnomes.. But in my God the redeemer.. Hmm.God says that he will grant you the desires of your heart.. Many desires I have.. They are at tension now.. :( I don't like how I feel. Today in the middle of work, i had this pang of panic. A deep sadness. Can't be described. Need to believe that that some good will come out of this. AM i just being silly/ridiculous...:( So again..I will remember romans. suffering produces perserverance.. perserverance character.. character hope.. and hope does not dissapoint... because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.

Wanna always see the world as beautiful. wanna always be able to feel another's pain.Don't want to be hardened by the many things that i need to do. Want to be very much a human and not a efficient part in the system.. Don't want to trade my rose tinted glasses with the harsh realities that make us cynical
Want to always be in awe..

is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The song in my mind

Today... was humming some song.. For some strange reason, it was at the back of my mind.. Imagine my delight when I heard it just now.. God works in strange ways. I cannot say that I understand Him.. his ways are definitely higher than mine.. Plans better, bigger more ambitious than mine!

Going to watch Peter Pan the musical later. Not feeling the pink of health now... So praying hard that I will be fine later.. yup. I am quite feeling bitter sweet about it. Sweet cos I really wanna watch it. :) Bitter cos this might mark the end of dates... with my special someone. hmmm. I don't know. God does.

Will trust in the unfailing. the refuge and the strength. yup. now to the song that is in my heart.

Who Am I
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Cheers. God Loves.

Monday, October 10, 2005

a happy night

I think that my favourite time is time spent with the girls. haha.. its marvelous what food, good company and some chocolate and cheese can do to me!:) Went out with my favourite bunch of people for a dinner. Am realy tired but wanted to meet them, its Annabelle's birthday..we went for steak (for the record, I don't eat steak)... and proceeded to Dessert at checkers (Hilton Hotel)... hmm. yours truly has expensive taste.. its gonna be amazing to see how she can support herself with her pay.. but she will!:)

Anyhow. enjoyed the time spent together. Not that I said much, or enjoyed the food. Just the comfortable camaraderie and the giggling about everything. Thank God for them!:)

Had a less than ordinary weekend. I am so tired. So much so that I have no energy. I think that it is time to eat some supplements... I wanna fly away... from all that is familliar.. I need a break....

"Hide me now, under your wing...cover me, within your mighty hands...
When the ocean roar and thunder roll.. I will soar with you above the storm...
Father you are King over the floods. I will be still and Know YOu ARE God..."

But retrospectively. weekend was good. I had a good time bonding.. Thank God for everything. Romans... trials produces character.. character perserverance... and perserverance hope.. and hope does not dissapoint...

Yup. To have hope in the one that causes hope!:)

Thursday, October 06, 2005

... I don't like excel

hahaha. I am whingeing.. Whiny in another words.

Hmm, these week has been a busy week looking at spreadsheets, data entrying and just thinking about how everything fits in.

Hmm. I don't like it. :(Ate a lot to distract myself.. So much so for losing weight, keeping fit etc etc..

I need to have the centre of my life remain the centre. Then only will things make sense. I need to not let what i want come in the way of what God would have me do.. Lord I pray you be more real, clear and that I will happily follow you!

Silence in the office.. I will pack up and go. Teach my little kid and then study more spread sheets...
.. Any tips of making that more exciting? I've tried using different colours!

:)have a good evening.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

My happy sunday morning

Let the truth finally be told. My competition is over.. Will post more photos of that when I am ready. But now, I have some photos of what I was doing on Sunday morning.

Haha. okie. Truth: I took part in the Ms Singapore World Pageant. I am thinking that everybody who read this probably knows.. But if you don't and have not guessed it.. haha, it is finally out in the open. Anyway, the tagline for this event is Beauty with a purpose. I honestly believe in this Tagline.. Hmm. though I dunno how that is possible.. but my favourite part of the whole experience would probably be the morning walk for the breast cancer Awareness... Hmm, We were the event for them in the morning. though I honestly think that we did a bad job.. ahhhh..:(

hahaha. I have a terrible posture and a fat tummy.. (need to be more bimbotic)Anyway, I am quite happy to be a part of this. If this was all there is in pageants and all. I will be good at it..

Will write more about my experiences about this when I next have time. Better start work now. In the mean time, enjoy the other pictures!

The group photo. I honestly think that this is the best photo of me in the whole pageant.. see the genuine smile.. I am not too good at faking!

Rebecca and Jeaneli. Hmmm. Fellow contestants. Nice people who are more determined than I am!!!:)

Okie, thats all folks for now. Will write again soon!