Sunday, July 31, 2005

A slice of life

sitting down here for the past half hour thinking about how i wanna phrase my sentence, organize my thoughts.. Haha. but i decided that that is an impossible task. My friend asked me awhile back why do you have a blog.. I think that it is for me to consider what has happened at a critical distance. where I can be a little detached from it and hence seen the true essence of stuff that are important..

okie so lets get to it for today...
1) Watched finding neverland.. Heh... I think that it's nice. It's nice to have the ability to see the special in the ordinary, to believe when there is no hope.. A fine line between faith and hopeless wishing( i cant get the right word out...)Yup, I wanna have faith.. Yet not onli desire for neverland.. not to be happy onli in the make shift world. but also to be happy here.. hmmm... Feel like there is so much in the show that I haven't grasp. Well perhaps i will watch it again? heh.

2) Met up with 2 rather senior people in church.. Hmm, I think that they would have me do some stuff. Honestly, I would be happy to do it too. One more than the other, but,.. So many obstacles.. if I obey God. what is it that he will want me to do? What will please him? so many choices. I think that I want to please God above people.. decisions.. that need to be decided soon.

3) Met with my good old pastor friend. Haha,I was waiting for the bus when I saw him. He asked me what I was going to do now that I have finished school, how the job hunt was etc.. Hahaha, being the nice hospitable guy that he was, he invited me to his place to have a better chat with him about future career and all that stuff. I think that God has a plan for everything. I wasnt going to go to that particular bustop, but.. I just felt like it then.. Hmmm, so what did we discuss? He being the street wise man that he was.. suggested some alternatives that I can take, we discussed about working for a christian organization and all that stuff.. If I took back anything, it is probably that "brighten up girl, the world is your oyster!" Ya, need to have more faith in the God that made me.. yup yup. Can accomplish more than being nice and sweet to people whom I love.

4) Arguments and stuff. SOmewhere in my favourite book of the bible, it talks about how people argue because they dun get what they want.. Hmm,how true.. argued. Yeah. on one hand i want something, on the other hand, I want to make person happy. Yeah.. Sux when you yourself cant decide what you want. Like this would so cause you to be double minded.. unstable in all you do. yup, I think that one of my greatest fears is to become an old nag. I think that being a woman means so many things. And one big thing is to be into little details that guys incidentally do not have much clues about.. And so..sparks fly and shoulders are rub the wrong way. SIgh.I need to learn to let things slide more.. To not be so obsessed with the little things.. May God help me. I want to be always happy with who I am with. SOmething that is so difficult sometimes. Oh well, cannot be afraid to love and be loved.. which brings me to my next point.

5) Tuesdays with Morrie. A movie on hallmark channel. Nice movie.. well in my definition at least. You never noe how to live until u learn how to die.. Should I die tomorrow, will I be happy to die? Is there anything that I havent done? To be honest. I dunno. I wanna touch more people's lives i guess. hmm. I think that I like to impart whatever little knowledge i have to somebody. SO they won't have to experience the pain and whatever comes with it.. yup. Other than that, I guess i am rather at peace with myself.. haha, i am ready to die!

Other than these thoughts, went cycling today. Haha, i am rather wobbly on a bike. I blame it on the high cg.. But it was fun. hahaha, dun think i wanna do it anytime soon but. hee. cycled to chinese gardens. Quite pretty... yup yup. I am beginning to see the beauty of the person the means a lot to me.. (and not just the flaws)
o thank god for girlie friends. ahaha i used to find it completely weird to have to write girlfriends.. like eee. so they will be called girlie friends. Yup, they are there always to be a friend regardless of circumstances...
Okie, enough rantings for tonight. I think that Love is important.. It really is. Pray I will learn to always love people and not see them entertainment or objects to be entertained.. Sincerity Lord I pray....

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Reason for the season...

Chambers says it all. Hopefully I wun be infringing any copyright laws.. Thank You for reminding me that God is interested in the now and not the mere later.

Oswald Chambers Devotional
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

An Apt Poem....

Emily Dickinson - "Hope" is the thing with feathers

"Hope" is the thing with feathers --
That perches in the soul --
And sings the tune without the words --
And never stops -- at all --

And sweetest -- in the Gale -- is heard --
And sore must be the storm --
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm --

I've heard it in the chillest land --
And on the strangest Sea --
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb -- of Me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A post dedicated to the bumming life

lalalalala. WHat do you do at 224pm in the afternoon when your normal group of friends are busy doing what they need to do? Yups, you guessed it right! You write on your blog, to entertain yourself.. Telling yourself that you have an audience who is listening to you and your thougths... But I dun have very many thoughts.
Or maybe I do... Hmmm. You will never know.

Anyway, I am thinking about Howard,. Haha, yess.. I am still going on about him... Heh. He is quite a character. Sometimes I feel like bein gone of the many people that talks to him on his chat thing.. Haha. but i wun go there.. He likes the show eternal sunshine o the spotless mind.. I wanna noe why. I lurrve that show. It is good. hee. but i think that one must kinda relate to something that happended to lurrrve the show and quote it and listen to its soundtrack.. wanna noe why. hahahaha yes. I am bored. Not really. I am to do this for a fren. and I have not been the most diligent... sigh...

Oh well. I am just an unemployed girl with too many dreams in my head.. lalalala. nothing much to say. Hee. Alright, to those who need to work, take care then. I will be thinking of you!:)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ways people attempt to regain some control

1) Pack the house. If the place is organized, and if I know where everything is, I would have a better piece of mind. I would be able to regain some level of control though I am losing control in whatever I am doing....

2) Be really stressed and efficient.. Do something radical, something that is not what you would otherwise do.

Why do people need to feel in control? An inate desire? To want things to be in order,to want to know how things function and to know one's part in the system of things. But what if one isnt happy with how things are like? What if one wants more, is that wrong? Is that a bad motive?....

I feel so stressed again. Hahaha. I don't want to be a double minded person, unstable in all I do. Hmm. I read the papers and all i see is pay for this pay for that, spend your life behind bills. etc etc. Circumstances are so real, I wish I could say that I am beyond that.. But u noe what, NOPE. I am not, caught in the web of urban stress. Sigh. I wanna get out of that. Hmm. faith to believe that this fact is not what will determine the life I will have. Oh well, I wanna to have the purest motive in whatever I do, this is so hard. May God so help me.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

The moon is the same everywhere in the world!

I just realised an interesting fact.. That when the moon is round in singapore.. It is round everywhere else in the world!:)haha.. so.. this made me think about the song from the american tale..

Somewhere out there
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that dream somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through (love can see us through)
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

hmmm, I dun quite remember the american tale, remember liking it in the movies, i think it is one of the first few moviews in my life.. Well, for the young folks born after 1987 (this is when American Tale was in the cinemas), go check it out. A sweet innocent show.. Hmm, I am thinking about this song because I am reminded that though we may be thousand of miles away from each other.. when we look up at the moon, it looks exactly the same for you and for me.. Something similar that we share together through our different life events..

yes yes i noe.. Gibberish. I should go sleep. heh.:)Nites world.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

My favourite foto for now



Until I paint this, this is my favourite foto for now. Well, let me explain. This foto is taken near my place at the canal. The grill represents the imaginary barrier between the 2 worlds. The 2 worlds are as different as can be yet they can exist in the same composition... Hmm, am i confusing you yet? Perhaps I just like the photo for an unexplainable reason?

Can 2 irreconciliable parts meet?

Greetings. Another late night. Not that I need to, but more like I am releasing my stress, uncertainties, worries.

Went for 2 interviews lately. They are as different as the east is from the west.
But i think that they are the 2 very different sides of who I am. Will these 2 sides merge? Will there be a meeting point where I can noe why I am the way I am?

I know that there will not be an easy answer. I wanna draw. Paint. Block out the stress, uncertainty etc. But I feel so stuck. So forced to be something... When will my reflection show, who I am inside of me? (the thing is.... I dunno what I am inside of me)

I feel sometimes that I dunno who I am. I know that I can give you all the perfect answers (something that I just found out from my interviews), but because of that, sometimes I feel like I've spread myself too thin. Hmm, What is Peirong like? Beats me.. heh.

Okie, hopefully, tomorrow will be a happy day. Today, I got a cool package! A rugby tape.. Of the All blacks! I am touched. That is such a sweet gesture. hee. Thank you Lord for good friends. I got a nice office thingy too. I must say that it is probably one of the most thoughtful gifts I got.. haha, considering the context of the situation.(me wanting to do something that God wills while being scared that I may be stifled...) this is a very pretty scripture holder kinda thing.. To entertain me on my office job. It reads "Bloom where God plants you". Thanks girl, It means alot. A sweet package and a thoughtful gift... Stuff to be thankful for.

"Do not be worried about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself"... Teach me Lord to believe that with all my heart.

:) Have a good night

Monday, July 18, 2005

Wad people will do for a donut?

What: Survivor's reward challenge
How: To stay calm and composed as water rises up to the chin
Reward: eventually? A million dollars
Scandal: A contestant gave up the on the challenge for a donut. This was because he had not had a decent donut in while and he would do anything for a donut

Well.. The revised version as told by my pastor.. How many of us has given up on something that is so great just for momentary happiness? I am guilty of this. Today, I just failed again. I dunno. Dunno if it is even wrong. But.. Yup. sigh. I dun just want the donut. I want the million dollars too!.. I wanna be perfect. I wanna give up the now for my future. I want to lead a filled life. O Lord. Only you have perfect control. I pray you will never leave me...

Yups. just something to think about. Pray I will never give my birthright for soup... hmmmm

Friday, July 15, 2005

One of my favourite activities

0118. Breezy. A little sneezy. but listening to frank sinatra and the crickets in the background, also surfing and chatting. This is the life. I love moments like these. Chill and sweet. (though i have a headache that is lingering, a nose that is drippy, eyes that are dry and tummy that is a little queasy) heh. today has been a happy day! I went to the zoo! hee. yups yups. Zoo. actually, i am not an animal lover. But been wanting to check out the ben and jerry's parlour(ice cream)...

Went there with a good fren, decided to make a round but when we reached the children's world, it started pouring so we set down at kfc and talked.. hee. then we continued our walk... well.. few highlights. we say perrie dogs (is that how u spell it)mate, monkeys pee, elephants being trained (things animals do for food) touched a butterfly and a snake, ATE ICE CREAM, saw a horse carriage (my fren spotted it and showed me, says that it is so me).. yups yup. no guesses what I liked the best.

Yups, it was a good excursion. I think going to the zoo is like bringing back good memories as a kid. The children's world is a place of so much promise. little kids running around and laughing and smiling. hee. I like little tots... (not tnough to have my own at this point though) Yup, though this is the first time I took a bus to the zoo.. It's been something that I've been wanting to do. So it is more exciting because of the hype.. Aidan used a word, was it amp? I can't remember. so if you are reading this, do let me know! it's bugged me the whole day!... Yup, when I was in wellington, wanted to go to this chocolate fish cafe really badly.. well, we kinda kept pushing it back till that faithful day. heh well. faithful day cos it was the perfect day.. We played swing and walked and walked and walked.. when we thought that we had to turn back as we were running late. Guess what we saw? The chocolate fish cafe! heh.. yups, I was estatic. (sorry but my spelling is going down the drain).. yups, not that the stuff were great. it was just the whole hype,the whole i must do this... well. if you get what i mean.. if not.. this is just a record of something that I will rememember for a while to come.. Yup yup.

Going for breakfast with my fren tom. so i think i should crash soon. Nite world. Will do this chilling again soon enough. In the mean time, I love you Jesus. thank you for being good.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

godliness with contentment is great gain

This is taken from the bible. I think that it is so hard to achieve. Yups, what is contentment. What does it take for one to be content? So where does progress come in?

Today has been a hard day. Not that the day is over. I just felt very overwhelmed out in the world and so I wanted to come home, my place of refuge.. only to be asked when I am going to pack my stuff... Tough days come in a blow.. No intermittance there.

Excellence. How does one be content with excellence. What does it even mean? Hmm, issues to grapple with. I don't really know how to phrase myself. God will you send something for me to do please??? Open my eyes that I may see and not be blinded by the glitz and glamour.

Different people see the different sides of an individual.Nope, not that one side is true and the other false. It is more like these different sides make up the whole individual.. Reminds me of my film art module when we watched this 1940 movie called citizen kane.. How do you really describe a person? What do you know about the person? can you truly say you noe the person?? Some time last week, i was described as sweet. Not that it is a bad word. But.. I am thinking, there is so much more in me than sweet. (though it must be an improvement over a physical observation: tall). Yup, I have depth.. no guarantee how deep though. Yups, people choose to see what pleases them. Perhaps the individual also inadvertantly (cant spell) show them the side that they wanna see) sigh. I dunno. Besides God, will anybody else really know me for me? hmm, how so when I dunno myself? Anyway, babbling. I guess what I want to say is that I have friends who see this side of me and to a small degree, I have been stereotyped into this mold. I guess I am guilty of doing this too. Sigh, i should stop it. Yes, When will i once again feel: yup, this is it,this is what the lord has installed for me.... pray it happens soon. else i may become ....:(

Thursday, July 07, 2005

deliberations

Emotions.They are scary when they are out of sync. A little agitated. So hard to have one's attention. Well, u get unwanted attention but yet, it is not enough. Only to some people do you want to know that you are heard. Not just having listened to you "blindly".. but rather interact with you as you talk.. Sharing thoughts and ideals.

well. I know that I am probably the most demanding girl in this town. but what can I say. Oh well.. there is always the blog that I noe I can turn to. yups. lots of thoughts again today. why do I think sooooooooooo much? Lord. I hope that something good will come out of all this thoughts.

1) My brother. Brilliant beyond brilliance. Thats how he will serve the Lord. Through performing operations. Through being a good doctor, loving his patients, being an example for others and just being a light that is not afraid of anything. I am so proud of him. hahaha. Singapore, look out for the future politician...

2) God works wonders in different ways... I am reminded that it is important to be excellent in all we do. how is excellence different from strive? today the chancellor was going on about "why can't NUS be the best university.. we have the best ports etc etc.. " I am reminded that the narrow path is difficult, treacherous, but yet rewarding and worthwhile...Teach me to perservere.

3) Went out with Chisern today. I like to go out with friends with no strings attached. haha. yups. we had a good time. A time to laugh and watch batman together... Wow. its cool when people use what they have been blessed with to good use. Well. I am just taking this loosely from the show. I dun want to be super hero that cannot share my identity. I wanna be able to tell all where this "superness" comes from. Why I am the way i am, why I believe in that way...

4) Tuition with a small little boy. 6 really. His parents are giving their all to this little thing. Haha. he is quite cute. All little boys are in my opinion. What happened to them as they grow up??? Why do they almost always end up obnoxious.. (haha, even for a little while)???
Anyway, I think that upbringing is so important. The little boy, a new clean slate is unable to learn English really because he is not in the right environment to do so. Are you in the right environment to learn what you wanna learn???

5)London Blast. Gosh. Why do people do things like that. out of 10 people, only 1 thinks. I believe that only one person(the leader) thought, strategized, decided it.. The rest, the people who do it. I think that more often than not, people who have been too "brainwashed" to decide that what they do is a bad and evil thing. They probably honestly think that they are doing the world a favour. Yups, but but but. Hows? so whats the thing to do? How do you prevent something like that from happening again?

Honestly, I dunno. I would like to say that violence does not really do much. War and more wars. Haven't humanity learn something in the last 200 years? But then one may say, what are we going to do? I think that men have tried countless of ways. Many. you name it u got it. But maybe thats not the point. I am inclined to say that I am into non violence. but that's not being weak. That's about knowing what will work and what will not. Love makes the world go round. Such events will inevitably take place. So says the bible.. So what can I do as a christian? How do I show my faith? I think that it is important to know that death is not the worst thing. There is something worst than live... God is hope in His strange way. Hope not in the tangibles but more than that. oh well. I guess in His time and His way, he will show the reason.

Okie. enough thinkings for today. :) I am going to do something exciting. hmm. sleep? :P

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Journeys of faith

Yeah, I finally got to go to the Asian Civilisation Museum to see the exhibition. The exhibition is about the artefacts and paintings found in the vatican city... I must say that I was rather disturbed, saddened.. by it.. the exhibition was good in itself.. i must say. the works of art exquisite. but i found myself little "greived"... when men want a part in the glory of God...

I must say that what is posted here is entirely my opinion and it is not representational of any opinions out there. Hmm.. the exhibition started about the different stuff about Jesus, ie his crucification, his resurrection, he feeding his sheep and all. At this point, I was thinking that I should bring all my friends not of the same faith to this place. It would be a non threatening way to share my faith.... It's really amazing the amount of emotion a painting can evoke, the thoughts that went into it.. The culmination of efforts and time spent in devotion while doing it.

Yups, i like to go to museums.. anyway, the tour of the museum goes on. after all the intro about jesus, there were stuff about Peter and Paul. which had beautiful painitngs and artefacts too.. Hmm. then comes the part that made me a little sad.. as we walked, we saw the blueprints of the saint peter's church (I am thinking this is the big thing) and the whole big deal with it. I recognize that this is all good and I have a love interest in buildings too.. But as I walked through the exhibition, I can't help but feel that the whole exhibition was about the catholics. about their pope and its attires, the seat where the pope seats.. so much so that everything else was secondary to it...

Should this be an ordinary exhibition i guess i would be fine. But this was about the faith of God..Sigh, I fully understand how a religion can end up being about itself. It's relics, its rituals(cant think of a better word)...

Oh well, we all need a faith. Something for us to make sense of this world... I just pray that my faith to my God will not be reduced to mere relics. mere paintings. That i will always remember the reason for my faith.. and not the mere instruments of it.

Gotta go, cant make it sound more coherent!

Monday, July 04, 2005


Hong Kong.. With my family! Posted by Picasa

.....:(....

Just struck by a sudden panic attack. Oh no. What if nobody wants to hire me? Am i going to just be a bum? What if I can't find a job... Ahhh. I need to trust. Trust in a perfect plan... But but but but it's human nature to wonder. To worry. I don't want to have a human nature.. Whinee... Hmm. my sister says that only people who care enough about you will read your blog.. hmm, i think that I started this blog as an avenue for my own thoughts. Whether anybody reads it is secondary. But why do i because of this think that nobody cares? Adding stress only. Silly girl i know i am,.. heh.

Oh well. I need to be happy I know.. Just this feelings come up once in a while. Can't be unsure of myself.. How else would others believe in me? Okie, I need to be positive. Yeah.

Okie,i need to be good and pack my room..Faith and gratitute...

Trust and Obey, when there's no other way.
To be happy in the Lord Jesus.
But to trust and obey.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Many ways to live a life....

In this trip.. I've been able to see the different ways in which one can lead a life.. Let me share with you a few of the more interesting ones....

1) Be a tai tai.. Thats always a possibility.. Then you can just shop at whatever time you want and be there at the yum cha place at 2. Where the food is at a discount..

2) Work your life away... I know.. People dun always have a choice in it.. Wake up at 6ish.. go to work and come home just before mid night.. Well, earn slightly higher pay but work when the sky is dark till when the sky is dark...

3) Be an expat. You get to live a rather comfortably in a pretty neighbourhood.. You get to eat yummy food too. Of course this is the up side of it. I cant talk about the many struggles at work. But yup. An expat.

4) Be a boy at heart. Doing everything without complaining. Seen the world at time of his youth. Now when he has a family. Just does what he needs to do... A good head over the shoulders..

Well.. just some interesting ways that I saw life being lived.. Intersting how when one is home.. people tend to lead very similar lives.. Yup. But this made me think.. What kind of life do i want to live? Life is but a vapour. so short in nature....
hmmm.

Back from my trip from Hong Kong and Beijing. I am at a lost of words. Lets talk about HK first.
HK is similar to singapore in many ways. But i cant help but feel/think that the people there are more tenacious. More resilent. They do not bow down to circumstances. Consider SARS. they now having serving chopsticks(which my sister dislikes completely). and birdflu. and the bad economy with rising unemployment. and the whole china thing...

They have not allowed themselves to sink. Well. today is their anniversary for handover to china day.. abt 50 000 went to the streets to protest.. A fine line between standing up for wad u believe in and being loyal to the cause all the way. Where is that line? I cant see it...

Met up with mummy frens. They all unimously agreed that I have put on weight.. hmm. wad can i say? hahaha. well give them some credit la. they said i look better too. But u noe how in cantonese.. put on weight= "fei di" which is so not diplomatic...

haha. oh well. China next. I am thankful for Jeanette for putting me up. I think that its been a good time.. I am glad to have been there. To be not too touristy and not to residential.. haaha. good mix. I think that the most "exciting" thing that must have happened must be the train ride to and from great wall.. Hee. well. we being cheapos students found the most affordable way there that we couldnt believe it... but the ride back was quite exciting.. hahaha. to put it mildly.

Anyway. memories of times spent, laughters together..and little secrets shared.. hee. :) I love feeling like a girl all over again.. can i not grow up please? pretty please?

hmm. i think that wad i will treasure is actually very cheap but yet priceless. Before i left her apartment. We shared a prayer together.. Well. I prayed with people b4 so thats something i am comfortable with.. But when both people pray with love for each other that is real, when they truly believe in the same God and share him together. It's really quite amazing.. Unknown to her. I felt my eyes well up with tears.. Thank you Lord for friends who genuinely care...
:)

Today I am officially a graduate. heh.. Yeah. Done with sch for a while. Got back my last results from NUS. cant say i am dissapointed. More like knew it to be coming. But its okie. Meets expectations. haha.:)
I am reminded that God has been meeting my expectations for every of my major exams.. Though i secretly ask for more.. I always always get what I say i will be okie if i get it. like the lowest acceptable level. Quite interesting. Any idea why He does that?

Hmm. will post photos another time. 2nd July is a day to remember.. Gotta rest early. Tom is suppose to be quite fun filled..:)

Thank you lord for your faithfulness. Love you lord.